Invisible Girl

Invisible girl
I dont know where u live
Invisible girl
I dont know who u r, its true
Invisible girl
The only thing I know is that I-
I love u

I cant stand the tention
Its got my heart wrenching for u
Something I never knew
How do I know ur out there
Why r u in my head
Why have I been walking around
Like Ive been dead
So Im nothing special
Least thats how I feel
Maybe I just dont know how to deal
So Ive been lost
Ive been confused
Ive been hurt
And Ive been abused
But all along I always knew
About u

Invisible girl
I dont know where u live
Invisible girl
I dont know who u r, its true
Invisible girl
The only thing I know is that I-
I love u

The above song is obviously not complete, but then again Im not complete... or at least thats how I feel... so maybe its not sposed to be complete. Whatever. *shrug much* Anyway ya'll anyone heading to any lgbt or Wicca spots better invite me. I could use the support. Almost 2 years later and still having trouble adjusting to being gay. Go figure. Anyway, thanx, love ya'll forever. Peace.

I felt like I lost my best friend.

 

No. Wait. I lost my best friend.

 

Again.

 

Why do I give people second chances?

 

I understood your disappearance more the first time than
now.

 

Perhaps you had only a short purpose, to return the soldier
to me. More and more I find myself lacking it, and lacking magick. Your
presence brought those both back to me. For that I will always be grateful.

 

Soldiers do not cry.

 

I can feel; I am honestly for once struggling with the tears
in my throat. It feels nice to hold them back, knowing it means I have a heart
after all. I’m not sure I knew I did when we were lovers.

 

Why is it then that I want that time back then?

 

Perhaps the connection to you, being the connection to my
soldier-hood, to my magick perhaps that is the reason I desire to return things
to how they were. Perhaps it is the wonderful dream we shared, love, marriage,
children, a real life… a life I don’t know how to reach, a normal life.

 

Am I such a coward to crave normalcy?

 

Yes.

 

But perhaps true courage is looking your cowardice in the
face and refusing to yield to it. If so I cannot yet tell you if I am brave,
but I believe I have it in me… I just need to find it.

 

Or perhaps find her.

 

Somehow I am not surprised, to find you’ve betrayed me
again. And somehow I forgive you. What I do not forgive is myself for believing
in you once again. I thought having expressed the pain you caused me you would
have learned from the experience. Perhaps it is I who hasn’t learned from it
considering the powers that be think I need to experience it again. I cannot be
sure.

 

Heart of my heart, why do these words flow from me? Why does
the silent scream in my breast seem so loud? Breathe.

 

Scotch tape isn’t enough to heal these wounds. The last time
I wrote that I cut. The last time I cut was June 21^st 2006. I can
find another outlet for the blood.

 

Let me bleed words into your vision by candlelight.

I will sing rain drops to star struck night.

Didn’t know, how to grow, it happened all too soon.

So I’ll heal in the breath of the moon.

There’s no way to die, in the face of destiny.

Let her hear my cry, as I set myself free.

And somewhere over high, where rain clouds sigh, she can
come to me.

 

I release you. There is nothing in my heart or soul for you.
I gave you a part of myself and I thought you worthy to keep it even if we
weren’t together, but that part doesn’t belong to you. It is not the divine
that attached our souls it was me and I break the connection NOW.

A jumbled expression of insanity

Having suffered a calamity

Can it THINK?

....with ink?

Colors white as meaningless

Blended with all seriousness

TO BE

Or question not to me?

I am an equation

For the duration

Of life oversimplified

Guess I cried...

Out

What is this about?

And to all I see...

The answer is chi

CHI

An oversimplified delusion

That causes confusion

In the misunderstanding

Of contradictions banding

ME

Even when my name was.... libby

I was NEVER

A COG

In the SYSTEM

...

RPI has stolen my identity.

 

I WANT IT BACK!

 

RPI... RIP.

I want to scream.

Im not sure what Id scream, but I have the distinct desire to scream.

Maybe I should scream "we're here, were queer, get used to it" like me and Clary did driving down the blue route at like 100 mph w all the windows down... that was funny... but Im at work so perhaps Ill scratch that for now.

Plus this really isnt about lil amusing anecdotes from my life. Actually I profess that it is a waste of time to talk about ones life on these things anyway and ussually refrain from doing so thats definately not what this is about. Maybe its a stream of consciousness... I dont know yet.

I just noticed that I wrote "scream" intead of "stream" above. No dont look; Ive changed it now. I guess my mind is still on screaming... hmmm.

This is all very stange, as this general form of apathy seems to have settled down on me. Particularly cuz I got a fortune yesterday that told me to relax and have fun. U only get one life right.... But I cant break the sense of impending doom that I seem to have felt forever and has multiplied since the receiving of my very first F... EVER, but AH! this isnt about me, this is about somethign important, well more important cuz of course Im the Queen Bitch of the World and that makes me important (LOL I havent said that since high school) but anyway what Im saying is that is is about something really important, this is about life, the universe, and everything.

Drum roll!

*obliging drum roll*

42.

Damn someone beat me to it. Shouldntve waited for the drum roll. Oh well. Theres always chi. Hey professor I came up w a way to divide by 0 AND get rid of limits w/o breaking calculus. Too bad u cant understand it.

See the real answer to life the universe and everything is chi.

Which is 42.

Sometimes.

Its also everything else... or nothing... sometimes... and infinity*0.

Useful isnt it?

*Sigh* and u silly mathematicians just left it as undefined! U were so close, yd u hafta cop out so Id think it up and be miserable cuz I cant explain it to my damn sr. project professor meaning I get a C for discovering chi!

Well here it is, finally my poor mans patton, no one else can experiment w infinity*0. So if by chance u actually understand what Im saying, DONT STEAL MY IDEAS.

please

Why is it the people Ive met at college are stupider than the people I met in high school? Wasnt it sposed to be the other way around? I dont think Ive had one professor I respect. Oh they know their subjects, like the back of their hands... they love to regurgitate useless information so u can regurgitate it back. I used to have the memory for that... or maybe my spirit is just broken my disappointment. But learning is not rotely memorizing information that will have no use come graduation day, its learning how to THINK.

Dont u think, dont u think, dont u think that maybe its time, time u started thinking! Thanks Natilie Imbruglia.

And while Im on songs La Vie Boheme! Maybe thats why I feel like Im wasting my time. What am I doing to help "save the world"? I went to the "save the world site" on xanga. What a contribution. I should take a year off and do peace corp. Maybe Id feel better. Isnt that selfish, Im going to do charity to make myself feel better about wasting my time at college to get a slip of paper that will say im qualified to do other stupid stuff for other slips of paper, these which happen to be green. Hopefully Ill teach somewhere I can make a difference, so I wont be wasting my time for green paper I'll actually be doing something.

I wish I lived durring the Bohemian Revolution... or at least the 60s. Then Id know where to go.

Ok Im done, still wanna scream, but out of things to say. I want to scream w/o words. Assimilate my thoughts into ur brain so I dont keep screaming inside unheard. Maybe ul know y and be able to tell me what Im screaming about. Until then, love ya'll, always.

~J

Ok, I *never* write about my life, but this is really funny. The straw that broke the camels back....

So I get past the fact that she grew up on a farm, wears perfume (ew I bet she shaves and dresses like a fucking normie what was I thinking!), thinks that people who like star trek have "issues" (DS9 rocks forever!), cant tell the difference between magic the card game and magick in Wicca when shes sposedly Wiccan(any Wiccan should know that when refering to real magick u use a "k" DUH!), and apparently isnt qualified to comment on government (how is someone not qualified to comment on government? can u think of soemthing more important, especially w the fuckign problems were having w bush, Goddess she might not even vote!), but I got past all of that.

BUT SHE HATES POWER RANGERS!!!!! Now if she didnt like them, thatd be fine, but hate? Im sry, I know every word to the opening theme songs for half of the series, she cant hate them when the best bday presnt Ive ever gotten was the entirety of power rangers in space! And now Im laughing at myself cuz I cant believe that thats the straw that broke the camels back. But u know what, I <3 power rangers w pride so f u anyone who doesnt like it. Ill find a nice girl whod like to be Astronoma to my Zhane one day, but no more settling for me.

Thot ya'll might get a kick out of that. Love ya'll. ~J

I see her as a child now, sometimes

And yet I am amazed at her maturity

To address what I as yet cannot

My reasons are different

And the same

For I too wear a mask

I tatoo over my scars

And try not to make new ones

I would rather hurt myself than someone else

I would rather hurt myself than yell

I would rather hurt myself than become...

He was always angry

So I call it a fake emotion

And it often is... but

Why then am I angry?

And my anger makes me angry

And the sprial turns my stomach in the dark

It haunts my dreams

Silences my screams

LEAVE

 

And to her unnamed bond

Why in me does she entrust her sorrow?

I cannot save myself

So how can I save her?

I awaken at dawns light
And scarcely know Id dreamed
My response to the golden sunlight is uncertain
As it reminds me of something...
Something...
Something from my dream...
I take a breath
More to control my emotion
Than to grasp for oxygen
Were my intentions misunderstood?
Did I speak of clandistine touches?
Ne'er did I cross my lips
On but ur hand
As I recall.
Stranger is this mermaid princess
And truly I would not act so forward
With someone I could not know
For how can u know someone
Thru words on a screen?
Truly hand written letters
In curvy cursive
Show more character
As do whispered words, o'er distance too
But to truly know someones spirit...
Can one but see their face
Hear their breath
Feel their soul?
Perhaps it does take moonlit kisses
To truly know a lover
But it is not this I ask
The sun rides high in the sky
And yet I still strain to see the stars
That tied me so close in my dream
Or to my dream
I am no longer certain which
Will u think me too cautious
If I commit nothing
Without knowing more?
The bar is thus set
Aloud as in my mind
Forgive my wariness, M'lady
The stars have burnt me too.

But one must accept
A moment in the woods may
Truly be fleeting

Energy seems meaningless

Its so easily drained

Shall I crawl to the depths

And sleep?

But the voice smiling up at me is not mine

I have no voice

And I most wish to speak

To express

 

A moment

 

Why is it always a moment?

Is life only made of moments

Mere singular disconected moments

Nothing more?

The existance of the night gave me hope

Having escaped the unreachable

But now I am so wary

Of things one sided

Drift at the slightest warning

That my feelings lie alone

I do not know her anyway

But the moment...

Fingers entwined

Lips brushed against a cheek

Shiver

Just one moment against the void

Lacking the doubt in my vocal cords

Perhaps I am indeed trapped to written words

By long passed wounds

So I call against the mind-killer

To sound a note of true desire

That I see

More than a moment