October 7, 2006

• I felt like I lost my best friend.

   

  No. Wait. I lost my best friend.

   

  Again.

   

  Why do I give people second chances?

   

  I understood your disappearance more the first time than
  now.

   

  Perhaps you had only a short purpose, to return the soldier
  to me. More and more I find myself lacking it, and lacking magick. Your
  presence brought those both back to me. For that I will always be grateful.

   

  Soldiers do not cry.

   

  I can feel; I am honestly for once struggling with the tears
  in my throat. It feels nice to hold them back, knowing it means I have a heart
  after all. I’m not sure I knew I did when we were lovers.

   

  Why is it then that I want that time back then?

   

  Perhaps the connection to you, being the connection to my
  soldier-hood, to my magick perhaps that is the reason I desire to return things
  to how they were. Perhaps it is the wonderful dream we shared, love, marriage,
  children, a real life… a life I don’t know how to reach, a normal life.

   

  Am I such a coward to crave normalcy?

   

  Yes.

   

  But perhaps true courage is looking your cowardice in the
  face and refusing to yield to it. If so I cannot yet tell you if I am brave,
  but I believe I have it in me… I just need to find it.

   

  Or perhaps find her.

   

  Somehow I am not surprised, to find you’ve betrayed me
  again. And somehow I forgive you. What I do not forgive is myself for believing
  in you once again. I thought having expressed the pain you caused me you would
  have learned from the experience. Perhaps it is I who hasn’t learned from it
  considering the powers that be think I need to experience it again. I cannot be
  sure.

   

  Heart of my heart, why do these words flow from me? Why does
  the silent scream in my breast seem so loud? Breathe.

   

  Scotch tape isn’t enough to heal these wounds. The last time
  I wrote that I cut. The last time I cut was June 21^st 2006. I can
  find another outlet for the blood.

   

  Let me bleed words into your vision by candlelight.

  I will sing rain drops to star struck night.

  Didn’t know, how to grow, it happened all too soon.

  So I’ll heal in the breath of the moon.

  There’s no way to die, in the face of destiny.

  Let her hear my cry, as I set myself free.

  And somewhere over high, where rain clouds sigh, she can
  come to me.

   

  I release you. There is nothing in my heart or soul for you.
  I gave you a part of myself and I thought you worthy to keep it even if we
  weren’t together, but that part doesn’t belong to you. It is not the divine
  that attached our souls it was me and I break the connection NOW.

  • 9:25 pm
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