Where is the line drawn between exploring your inner self and whining about one's life? Down to earth vs. deep?

Sometimes I am overcome by this overwhelming feeling that everything is just a tiny step from falling apart. I feel like I need to be on guard every second because if I'm not life will come around and give me another kick in the teeth. And I know that living on edge all the time is making me sick but I don't know how to stop. I feel like I have to worry about everything all the time, because when I stop I invariably miss something and it all gets screwed up. I don't trust anyone else to hold things together because if I leave something up to someone else it might not get done, in fact I feel like it usually doesn't but that's probably my PTSD kicking in with the automatic thoughts and all. But I feel like I have to do everything and I don't have the time and energy to do everything so I'm going in circles. I can't breathe. I feel like everyone is watching me just waiting for me to fall and no one cares, some are even trying to make me fall. Then I remind myself ******* cares. I just find it so hard to trust him. We've been yo-yo-ing back and forth for so long. I'm so happy were back together, but I'm afraid it won't last. What if I wait and wait for him to be ready and he never is? Then I'll have no family except the kids that I can't take care of by myself and then ***** will take them away from me and.... Breathe. He's gonna read this and I try not to think about that and let it influence what I write. I try to write whatever comes to my head as honestly as I can, but all I can think is he's going to be offended that I don't have faith, but if I do have faith he'll say I'm just assuming I'll get the outcome I want or something. Or he might feel like by wanting him to read what I'm feeling I'm saying that it is his responsibility to make sure I don't end up without a family and of course that isn't anyone's responsibility and it will just piss me off that he's trying to fix me when all I want is someone to listen. Or more likely he'll just say "I knew you felt that way" or shrug or "it was good" or something non-committal. But I want him to talk to me! I want him to say, "wow I'm sorry you feel that way." or "it'll be ok." or just hug me, maybe even let me cry it out. I want him to not take all this anxiety personally because he knows that all this worrying and being afraid to let my guard down is PTSD and not in my control and I just want him to forgive me for not being perfect. I just wish I could talk to someone, anyone! But I'm afraid that leaning on anyone will make them not want to be around me. I know that normal people lean on each other and don't feel any type of way if someone close to them wants to lean on them, but what do you do when the only people your close to don't have these kind of relationships themselves? I don't know how to teach it, I only try to do the exact opposite of my parents all the time. I know ***** doesn't feel that way, but I go back and forth wondering if she is really my friend or just being nice. Maybe if I could just get her to hang out outside of work I'd believe more in her... Here I am plotting, biding my time, trying to force the universe to give me the break I so desperately need. Nothing good in my life has ever happened without me making it happen, its the only thing I know! But I have to stop. I'm trying, I am trying everything I have found in all my searches, but the big thing they all said was "support network" and mine is all fractured and fragile and I live in constant fear of it cracking. I want a partnership. I want a family where everyone tries to chip in and sees other's problems as something they can help with, where everyone WANTS to help just because they care. I want to feel like I can have a problem without everyone abandoning me for it. I don't expect them to solve my problem, just stay beside me while I do. Honestly ******* and I already have my definition of marriage in most respects, we live together, make love, enjoy each others company, hell we even have children, although I hope one day he feels comfortable actually being called a father. The only other thing I care about is the religious sense, I don't think sex out of wedlock is immoral... but children. Its just not fair to them. If you have ever sat there and desired something normal, and believe me that is something I rarely desire, but if I do sometimes I think everyone must, if you ever have, how could you give a child a start in this world without one of the most fundamental basic human needs: a safe home. You know what I don't even think that all people shouldn't have kids out of wedlock, if you are financially and emotionally stable on your own fine. But I know I'm not and I don't want to be on my own anyway, financially or emotionally its a hard job to do with 2-3 people, I have no desire to do it by myself! I don't want new people coming in and out of my kids lives and I don't want to be alone. So for ME I can't see having kids outside of marriage as acceptable. So I want to handfasten with someone who is honestly in love with me, who I honestly love, so we can together have a loving family and a safe home. Having these things without the religious ceremony makes me feel like a whore who is just being used for sex and is not valued as a person, because to me not going through the ceremony is saying that I am not worth connecting to on that level. And again I am reminded that ******* will be reading this, so perhaps I should mention that I don't intellectually think that he feels that way and this is not an argument that we should jump ahead and handfasten, just the opposite, I don't want him to do it unless he means it. True in love ever be lest thy lover's false to thee. I just want him to realize that I just want him to acknowledge what we already have as something worthwhile. Because I think it is. Anyway I am like way late and I hope that this amounted to something. <3~J