The smell of green tea

The warmth of the mug against my hands

The cat hand painted on

This mug is an echo of who I am

Even the handle

Cracked in three places

Because I tried to carry too much down the stairs

And dropped it while trying to get the baby gate open

Ive tried to fix it so many times

Glue, apoxy, my latest attempt is candle wax

We'll see if that survives the move

Like we'll see if I survive the move

The move to nowhere

To bouncing around until I can fix the cracks

Once again in my life

That seem to spring apart

Every time I finally BELIEVE

But I will survive

I always survive

That's not really what I am afraid of

But who will I be when I come out on the other side of this?

Will I like my life?

Will I like myself?

The mug would work just fine without its handle

I could stop bothering to fix it

But somehow this favorite mug of mine

Without its handle is unacceptable

So as always I set out again

To glue the cracks back together

However I can

 

Friends, new and old, those I have met and those I haven't, any reading this: This may be my last post for some time. I do not know when I will have access to internet again. For posts I've been behind on reading, comments I haven't responded to, I am sorry. You can probably tell that this has been a rough week from my last post. I am including the first chapter of my book here for those who are reading it. I will try to be back as soon as possible to catch up on everything. If you have good energies to send my way I could really use it. Please no prayer though, my religion is particular on that point. Thank you, <3 ~J

________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Chapter 1

 

It was the first snow of winter, and in November for Goddess’ sake!  A slight drawback to this new world considering how I hate snow--or rather, I hate cold-- and snow meant cold, so the feeling carried through to snow. I would also need to consider how to adapt my current protections for this new weather. For once the dizzying whirl of powdery white had an allure I had not quite felt before, which was strange indeed.  But everything was strange here.  Perhaps the Engineer was the strangest thing of all.  Who would have thought that I, of all people, would go trading my knights in shining armor for an Engineer? And a man, no less!  Yet as I gazed out of the classroom window I wondered if there was really any difference at all.  Somehow no matter where I went, who I was with, what I did, I never felt any different.

 

The snow twisted around the window almost blinding me. The professor droned on, but I was lost in thought.  White, it’s a color of emptiness, innocence, naivety…none of which applied to me.  Even in my old fairytale world I never fit the “damsel in distress” cliché. It’s probably better that way; knights never save you. Heroes do, or so I was told. I had known one, once, but that was long ago and I could no longer be sure he didn't do more harm than good. I sighed. Never could tell the knights from the vampyres.

 

The snow was dying down now, as I doodled absentmindedly in my notebook. It was my most precious possession, an ancient relic, depository of all my inner thoughts for longer than I dared remember.  How long have I been staring out the window? I wondered, although what triggered the thought remained a mystery. If I was to fit into this human world, I would need to at least pretend to be concerned with passing the classes I sat in on. The grades themselves would never actually matter since I wasn't actually enrolled. I only used enough illusion to add myself to the student list of my chosen classes and my illusion would only go so far in such a practical world. Class must be almost over. And as if on cue the fellow students around me began collecting their belongings and filing out towards the November cold.  I absentmindedly joined them, heading towards dinner, still reflecting.

 

"Wait up!" A call came from a short blond classmate in a baggy sweatshirt and jeans. She was followed by a tall man in similar garb, though his jeans failed to reach his waist. "You're one of us now." She continued, giving me a playful punch in the shoulder. "That means you walk with us." I was pleased to note that I didn't feel the faintest twinge when she struck me. The injury from months ago had taken an unusually long time to heal. My abilities were weak here and I spent much of my energy on my deception and protection from the elements.

 

"Sorry. I was lost in thought." I explained to the Hacker.

 

"You're always lost in thought lately," complained the City Boy. "If you’re not careful you're gonna bomb the midterm tomorrow."

 

He was right. Not about the test, even if the grade mattered, the graph theory was interesting enough that most of it stuck in my head. But I was distracted from this world. Didn't I like it here? Didn't I enjoy my Engineer? Didn't I want to belong?

 

"Let her be." The Hacker chided. "Who wouldn't be half asleep after that lecture?"

 

"Just a bit homesick I guess. I'm not used to all this snow."

 

I might miss my fairytale world, it hadn't actually been my home, not for long at least, but this one suited me well enough. So what if there are no great battles or grand romances? It’s all about trading.

 

The fear is consuming

The pain unbearable

I am frozen in panic

Watching the ground beneath me

Turn to sand

Like evening's empire

Slipping away through an hour glass

The pain is consuming

The fear unbearable

I lie awake in anguish

Holding the hope to my chest

Becoming my life line

Like a wind blown branch

Teatering above a cliff with rocks below

The fear is unbearable

The pain consuming

I avoid faces of my children

Dreading any sign of trepidation in their eyes

Like a red hot poker

Searing through my heart and into my soul

The pain is unbearable

The fear consuming

 

 

Song I wrote for the Litha ritual today. Also I am posting the prolouge to my book. Hope ya'll like them

 

Refrain:

Goddess, let me, sing your song

The wheel turns, I keep moving along

Sunshine, I can feel your engergy

Its a truth thats inside of me

To set me free

 

This short life, so much I wanna do

The infinite I can feel through you

Many choices, but just one path

With times to cry and times to laugh

I can't say just how I know

All I can be and how I'll grow

But all I need is the strength of love

And the wheel keeping time with the sun above

 

Refrain

 

Take all the love thats in my heart

To change the world... well its a start

What can I do but aim too high?

If I fall I'm still in the sky

I've come so far, but this I know

I will always have more miles to go

And when it comes time for me to sleep

I entrust my love with my soul to keep

 

Refrain

Wheel turn

And fire burn

And set me free

_______________________________________________________________________________________

 

Prologue

 

My -no- the Knight's horse reached a gallop and the world seemed to stretch out infinitely for a moment. I breathed a sigh of relief. A new world will do me some good. The gently rolling plain abruptly became a rocky hillside. The horse careened forward, going to its knees, and I shifted my weight a second too late to compensate. A sorry excuse for a patch of grass rushed towards me as I struggled to twist into a position in which I could protect my head from the fall.

The crash knocked the wind out of me and I laid there panting for a few minutes before I dared to move. Then I sat up gingerly just in time to watch the Knight's horse disappear back over the ridge we arrived on. I was certain that even if I limped over the rise the horse would be long gone. I sighed. It's her horse. Why shouldn't it go back to her?  Taking a deep breath, I assessed my injuries. I had acquired a few scrapes and bruises on my arms and legs, and a nasty gash on my left shoulder, but for the most part I was intact. Then I surveyed my new surroundings.

I appeared to be in a courtyard of sorts, though the fact that it laid on a hill was odd. A single building, tall, brick, wrapped around the area like a three sided square. Bits of grass fought their way through the rocky soil, but other than that and a few sorry trees there was little vegetation. A handful of windy paths marred the grass and people strolled along them, paying me no mind.

No one seemed to have noticed my sudden arrival. No magick, I concluded. I'll need to blend. I found a female whose apparel seemed interesting and studied it for a moment. Then I focused on my own garb, subtly bending the light around it to change its appearance. Small touches, it was only an illusion, a quick fix until I could integrate myself into their society. My neckline scooped down, sleeves vanished leaving just a thin strip of cloth holding the shirt up over each shoulder. The tails on my tunic became a skirt, a faded blue of some rough looking fabric. My leggings were paler, tighter. My brown boots were replaced with black, higher, and with laces instead of buckles. Satisfied with my new attire, I had begun to get to my feet, when a voice from behind gave me a start.

"Are you ok?"

I feel bad for neglecting xanga when my membership is almost up and I am not sure about renewing... Craziness in my life, but good craziness, but I don't like to waste time talking about everyday life on here. Also I have been working on my book more. It occurred to me that its been more than 10 years since Ive started and I have a whole trilogy planned in my head so if I dont spend more time on it, I'll prolly never get to write it all. I'd like to even try to get it published eventually, so yeah need to spend more time on it. Recently I was discussing with **** how when my worlds aren't "out there for the whole world to see" (aka the 2 people who follow me on xanga) I feel silenced, which is why I can't abide by sign-in lock. Anyway, I wondered if that is why I hadnt been putting as much time into my book, because without feedback from people or at least the idea of someone reading it and understanding what I am trying to say, it doesn't completely fulfill my need to write. Thus I have decided to make my book a Google Doc and share it with anyone who would like to give me honest feedback, BUT NOT STEAL MY IDEAS. (Sorry have to say it you know. Poor mans copy right and all lol). I also thought I would post the first page here, maybe more if this works well. Well, here goes nothing:

 

Separation

By Jem MerWhint Corraggio

 

Dear human,

If you are reading this, I have no doubt that you assume it is fiction. I'm sure it will appear on the fiction shelf of your bookstore or library. What you fail to understand is that your entire concept of fiction is simply wrong. There is a difference between fiction and a lie or something untrue. Yet, if something is not an observable part of your reality, there is a consensus that it is all pretend. Make believe. But I am not human. This story is no human concoction designed to enliven your imaginations in the safety of your homes. It is not even the art woven by the best of your storytellers, tales spun to enlighten humanity to some greater truth. No. This is my story. This is the story of my life, my time in your realm, and of The Child who would change both our worlds forever.

 

~The Fire Witch

 

The words are trapped again

I cannot say why

The coming sun is blinding me

As it peaks into the sky

All the good an inch a way

How can it fill me with such fear?

But the thought of one mis-step

Still consumes me, that is clear

All the woulds and ifs and coulds and mights

The probabilites have me overwhelmed

And somehow I must convince myself

To loose my grip upon the helm

So I dig deep into myself

To force my lips to say

"Though I know not what lies ahead

All will be well, come what may"

 

It is always darkest before the dawn,

But in the darkness I see you,

So I trudge blindly forward,

When I stumble, I reach for you to steady me

And you are there, at the edges of my fingertips,

When you falter, I catch you

And I think, perhaps there is nothing so beautiful,

As a love before sunrise.

I was seriously watching Star Trek when I heard. Original series, season 2 episode 21 Patterns of Force, to be exact. ******* comes into the room and tells me to pause it. He has his phone and I think its gonna be some stupid youtube video. But its not. Its Leonard Nimoy's obituary. I have never cried this hard for someone Ive never even met in person. But it feels like I knew him, considering how much Star Trek shaped my understanding of life, the universe, and everything. I grew up on DS9, but watching any version of Star Trek feels like coming home and, especially considering how I really didnt have a home until recently, I cannot begin to express the depth of this feeling. Leonard Nimoy made every character he played come to life in an iconic way, most notably Spock, but William Bell from Fringe also immediately jumps to mind. He was these people so completely, and thus, he was my mentor, comrade and hero. He has been, and always will be, my friend. May he find the light- and prosper- in his lives beyond this.

It is a language that I barely speak

Instead it spills out of me

Living in my breath

Pounding in my heart

It screams but beautifully

A melody rooted in infinity

My finite mapping unable to fully render

The immensity that fills me to bursting

But does not account for but a drop

Of Truth

And even though the message is so deep within me

And grows in every movement in my being

It kills me

When you can't hear it

A distant memory

A fog from long ago

A wholeness

A knowledge

An angel of music

Infinite wisdom

Understanding that I can no longer grasp

But the memory remains

In every note I breathe

The longing to return to that collective consciousness

A vision between sleeping and waking

Building up in my finite form

Without the scope to fully comprehend

Or express

But from all my imperfect attempts to reach this beauty

Comes the music of my soul

And that is enough

 

O Captain my Captain

 

Enough said.