This is a translation of what I wrote before. Please dont
worry bout me, I really need 2 learn how 2 ask peeps for help, cuz my crew(at
least the peeps who b readin this) always rallys round me, and I love ya'll so
much for it, but I have so much trouble trustin peeps nemore, Ive been hurt so
much, n I dont wanna b a burden, cuz I know ya'll got ur own shit. Im used 2
takin care of everyone. Im grateful for those of u who take care of me. But
please do know that this was a few days ago and Im much better now. And that if
I needed ya'll I would try to ask... Ima try harder from now on. Here it is:

Goddess I dunno what to do today I need help but I dunno who to ask everyone I ask is overwhelmed by my shit or blows me off n I dont even know y I feel like this today I just feel like screamin for help HELP HELP HELP does anyone hear Im so scared and hurtin wat do I do someone help me please n yet I dont ask cuz i dont want to burden those who care further n those who dont show their colors now so Ill scream into the sky scream silent at the moon beggin for some hope Goddess please give it soon Blessed Be

theres a wall around my heart Im ok I feel nothing
t                     hur         tin                                a
h                   bleed     in help                            w
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r                        hurtin bl                                   l
e                          eed                                       l
s                           in                                        a
a wall around my heart Im ok I feel nothing theres

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e                     nidlee    lbpleh                   l

r                   nitruhnideelbpleh                  l

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Rocka bye baby
Sleep in my tree top
And if Tony comes to cut it down
Mister Jack will make him stop
Cling to the branches
Bleed from the leaves
Look dizzying down
At a past you cant conceive
Echo screams off bubbles
Welling in my heart
Walls caving in
Shattered, now, and sharp
The bark beneath is firm
So stand against the wind, alone
Don't bother holding on
Dream of storms roughly blown
Step from this safe place
The air around calls
So easy to imagine
The step that makes you fall
Spill my blood, spill my life
Spill my screams, they are your toys
You ordered me to scream
And that is how I lost my voice
Spill my tears, spill my fears
Even spill my friends
What'd you give me in return
That makes me loyal to the end?
Spill my notes, spill my words
Hear me spill the beat
I'm pouring out my life force
Living on the street
And yet the angel harnessed air
And forced life back with in
This is what I'll remember
Lying, waking, in the dim
And so I search for other arms
Another solid place
Will you be the one
With which I finally feel safe?

I wander these streets

These bright light lined streets

With white picket fences

An easy world...a dream world

I HATE IT

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU ALL

I should

If I could...

I still wouldnt

Damn this place... what has it done to me?

My legs falter

My stone self holds

Wondering where Im going to sleep tonight

As am I

Sitting gently on the wood bench as if by my own design

Perfect in its cold blanket movements

Underneath the covers I shiver

I fight to breathe thru bloody tears

Drowning in my silent screams

Goddess, I SCREAM

My nails breaking off in my flesh

In a despairing attempt to silence my soul

Stocially I stand

Even as I crumble to the ground in sobs

No one will save me from this pool of blood

This long desperate night

Or tomorrow

Fear is the mind killer

There can be nothing but the words

Fear is the mind killer

There can be nothing but the beat

Fear is the mind killer

I can be nothing but a soldier

Fear is the mind killer

Or I die tonight

The screams are strong today, altho inaudable

Strange the familiarity of those words, mine and not...

What are they insisting?

I cannot make out the warnings

Only the pressing coming... dread

Useless tidings, true

But the question begs

Do I want them louder or quiet?

.....................................................

Something is not right... oh yes, something is quite wrong....

PLEH

Kitty, Kitty,

You're oh so pretty

You had my heart alone

You took it as clay

And baked a day

And turned it straight to stone

You brought it back

With an attack

From your hammer and your chisel

I thought it would pour

For a year and four score

But all it did was drizzle

Along came fate

To give me a mate

I'll call her my fair Flo

The rose has been thrown

To the unknown

Whatever comes, be so!

You see that I am fraigile, I am its true, but I am about as fragile as butterfly wings of stone. You see the side of me that no one else does, you see thru my exterior, do u just write off everything on the outside? It is not just a facade, I am a collection of polar opposites there are no shades of grey. You see me as female, but I am also male, you see me as hurting, but I have also hurt others, you see me as a rebel, but I also desire normalcy and why cannot I explain this to u? As much as I can't explain the side u see to those who see only stone, only strength, only my masculine qualities. Why cannot I explain to u that no matter how perfect a man might be I would not be happy, that what I desire is softness and breath and curves and Goddess, there just aren't words, and even if there were there may be no reason that I feel nothing for any man as much as I feel for u, not even close, random atraction to some passing girl on the street is more by inifites than Ive felt towards any man. I am not a shade of grey, it took me too long to realize that and I still struggle to accept it, accept the fact that I will never have normal, ever, ever, ever, ever..... The thought makes me want to scream, how much I hate the dream in my head sometimes when it seems so damn unreachable, but what? Go for a man and fake my happiness everyday of my life? No, that would be wrong, wrong to him, wrong to me, Goddess, I'll have my cake and eat it too, you see my insecurities, now see my confidence! I can have a life with marriage and children and some semblance of normal, I will have it... with a woman! And I don't care, I just don't care about the consequences, I can't, because when I do I get lost and I am miserable trying to deny myself, for the sake of normal, it scares the shit out of me, but I face it head on rather than deny myself true love. Why cannot I speak to u thus? I try and the words get twisted in my mouth, u see right thru me and yet u don't see me at all. Funny, cuz thats y I loved you, cuz u saw thru me, cuz u saw what no one else did, so Im human after all. I needed to know that. But because I am does that mean my strength is all a lie? All a show? Ha, u would not convince me of that for the wide world, even for ur heart, I will not believe it. I have seen too much and survived to not know my resilence, my strength, my care. I care about u, regardless of love or not, I care and I can. I can protect u and take care of u, why do u think I cannot? Do u really believe anyone exists who doesn't have problems of their own? Love is about leaning on each other, taking care of each other, it is not just one way even those physically male need to be taken care of, society just teaches them to hide such desires. I dont want u to heal my broken heart and its wounded beat, I am healing myself, not healed, but healing and I don't want to come in and just erase the pain from ur life, as much as it would seem so wonderful if I could make sure u never felt pain again, I know that pain has its purpose as much as joy, without one you cannot know the other. My pain has made me who I am, and I LOVE who I am. I am glad to be me, to be gay and Wiccan and theoretical and fragile and strong and all the things that I am, their sum which can never be expressed in words. What I want for u is for u to see the same about urself, for u to see how beautiful you are and that what makes u beautiful has nothing to do with ur appearance, that ur very soul is beautiful, what I want for u is to be able to look past all ur pain and realize that it doesn't make u broken. U are whole and I am whole, once we accept all of ourselves. I don't know what u will do with this, but it needs to be said for me. And so I will leave you with this:

Benedict: I love nothing in the world so well as you.

Beatrice: Were it as possible to say I love nothing in the world so well as you... but believe me not, yet I lie not. I confirm nothing, nor I deny nothing.

Much Ado About Nothing, Shakespeare

And one more thing, someone once told me that in life there are 3 great loves: ur first love, ur lost love, and ur true love. I hope for my sake u are my lost love, cuz I have no idea how to reach ur heart anymore when all u do is run. I hope this is not goodbye, but in case I needed u to know as much as words could express...

With my heart,

~Jem

Warning: real life details to follow.

Now as most of u know, I dont like to whine about my life on here. And honestly, I don't know exactly what I want to say. I want to talk about events in my life, but I can't just say this is happening. If it wasn't deeper than that I wouldn't feel the need to write.

So my grandfather died this morning, to put it bluntly.

Not that I really knew him or anything. I mean, he was the only person in my family who seemed to accept me but I didnt know that til after my grandmother died (she hated me) and he started having opinions of his own. Or at least he once asked me if I had a gf when I went home which is more than anyone else does. So to look at things practically, it sucks that someone who is actually minutely accepting of me is gone and any death is sad, but on the other hand he has been very sick, so I knew it was coming, and he is prolly better off in his next life and now cutting off my family isnt leaving anything at all behind, no matter how small. But situations like these don't generally warrant a practical reaction. I don't know what I feel, nor do I know what I should feel, if thats even relevant. Its strange, Ive had 5 people closer to me die in my life and  lost others to jail and moves and changes...  Perhaps it makes more sense when I know how to relate to the loss, that it is indeed a loss. I guess being out of control or confused is almost worse for me. Which makes sense considering my past.

Its funny that today I would be typing up my submissions for the McKinney Contest, and that at the moment Kat called to tell me about my grandfather, I would be about to type this essay that discusses The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien. The reason this is ironic is that the book is about death, and my essay talks in depth about inherrent truths expressed thru this fiction, particularly on life and death. In one part I talk about the ability of stories to immortalize people, which may be slighly cliche, but its got me thinking. How many times do I joke with the others who knew Dejure about the time that he tried to sing "Get Low" when he didnt even know enough English to understand the song, and about how he pulled over for a cop with a trunk full of crack or h or something and then when the cop tried to arrest him he tried to flee on foot, or when he showed up at my window in the middle of the night and threw his jgoth teddy bear at it? These stories keep him alive. And is there a day I dont think of my other firends, the memories I keep with me keep them alive. I dont feel the need to actively remember them cuz how could I ever forget the night Lis' saved my life? I actually used to spend my time trying to forget. Will I remember anything about my grandfather? Do I have any positive memories of him at all?

Family... is that where Ive been going with this all along? Family, Goddess what I would do for a family, still after all these years. Damn u Dalamar for putting the idea that I could have one in my head! Yes, yes, somewhere in the distant future I will marry a girl and have a family of my own, but even that worries me. I have no familial relationships to base my actions on. I wonder sometimes what the love of a family is like. If I'll be able to love someone like that. Im a soldier, I watch my back, I only dream of letting people in, could I ever really do it? Maybe I see a chance for me to understand a positive family bond slipping away. I may never know if any of my family really loved me.

Goddess, let him find the light in his lives beyond this. Blessed Be.

~J

The room is sharp from cold
My breath the only fog
And my mind clear

The violin sounds high, piercing
Playing its strings like my heart
I breathe heavy

I can remember the beat, the warmth, the wine,
Muddled Italian words
Drifting in my daze

And I want to cry out!
There is this emptiness, a moan
But I merely hold the vibrato

I refuse to acknowledge this emotion!
As if naming it would increase its hold on me
Its too soon, too fast, too strong, too intense...

The eyes of my heart are squinting in early morning sun
Awakened from a long hibernation
Devoid of skipping beats

My heart peers cautiously out
There is a strange world about me
And this feeling...

The entirety of my life has waited on a feeling
And in my heart's slumber I felt nothing
Deaf to the alluring music

The violin stops short
Like I force myself in the consideration of this feeling
Only time can explain

I said it was a fairy tale

I said in a week we'll bail

I said it would fail

but my words were stale

you told me I didn't want to be alone

you saw right thru my false heart of stone

so what have you discovered, I'm human after all?!

you can still break thru my impenatrable wall?!

these foolish notions eat at me

and my mind churns hopefully

at every passing girl

now its too late

to stop believing in soul mates

I'll search the whole damn world

so Im out the game

must mean my hearts not the same, no!

everything that I do

is for Philly too, yo

so maybe Im obsolete in this WHITE world

don't think its the right world

can't take the hood out this fight girl

so SCREAM!

listen, listen

to what my eyes are calling out

a frozen moment

of my falling out

Im just a soldier

5 hours from my war

in a place where peeps

dont even get what Im fightin for

all I dreamt of was an ally

impossible, more than rare

til you made it my life

and now I can't get back there...

*music*

so maybe Im obsolete in this WHITE world

don't think its the right world

can't take the hood out this fight girl

so SCREAM!

listen, listen

to what my eyes are calling out

a frozen moment

of my falling out

Im just a soldier

5 hours from my war

in a place where peeps

dont even get what Im fightin for

all I dreamt of was an ally

impossible, more than rare

til you made it my life

and now I can't get back there...

so SCREAM!

now I can't get back there..

SO SCREAM!

I can't get back there