March 13, 2007

• Warning: real life details to follow.

  Now as most of u know, I dont like to whine about my life on here. And honestly, I don't know exactly what I want to say. I want to talk about events in my life, but I can't just say this is happening. If it wasn't deeper than that I wouldn't feel the need to write.

  So my grandfather died this morning, to put it bluntly.

  Not that I really knew him or anything. I mean, he was the only person in my family who seemed to accept me but I didnt know that til after my grandmother died (she hated me) and he started having opinions of his own. Or at least he once asked me if I had a gf when I went home which is more than anyone else does. So to look at things practically, it sucks that someone who is actually minutely accepting of me is gone and any death is sad, but on the other hand he has been very sick, so I knew it was coming, and he is prolly better off in his next life and now cutting off my family isnt leaving anything at all behind, no matter how small. But situations like these don't generally warrant a practical reaction. I don't know what I feel, nor do I know what I should feel, if thats even relevant. Its strange, Ive had 5 people closer to me die in my life and  lost others to jail and moves and changes...  Perhaps it makes more sense when I know how to relate to the loss, that it is indeed a loss. I guess being out of control or confused is almost worse for me. Which makes sense considering my past.

  Its funny that today I would be typing up my submissions for the McKinney Contest, and that at the moment Kat called to tell me about my grandfather, I would be about to type this essay that discusses The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien. The reason this is ironic is that the book is about death, and my essay talks in depth about inherrent truths expressed thru this fiction, particularly on life and death. In one part I talk about the ability of stories to immortalize people, which may be slighly cliche, but its got me thinking. How many times do I joke with the others who knew Dejure about the time that he tried to sing "Get Low" when he didnt even know enough English to understand the song, and about how he pulled over for a cop with a trunk full of crack or h or something and then when the cop tried to arrest him he tried to flee on foot, or when he showed up at my window in the middle of the night and threw his jgoth teddy bear at it? These stories keep him alive. And is there a day I dont think of my other firends, the memories I keep with me keep them alive. I dont feel the need to actively remember them cuz how could I ever forget the night Lis' saved my life? I actually used to spend my time trying to forget. Will I remember anything about my grandfather? Do I have any positive memories of him at all?

  Family... is that where Ive been going with this all along? Family, Goddess what I would do for a family, still after all these years. Damn u Dalamar for putting the idea that I could have one in my head! Yes, yes, somewhere in the distant future I will marry a girl and have a family of my own, but even that worries me. I have no familial relationships to base my actions on. I wonder sometimes what the love of a family is like. If I'll be able to love someone like that. Im a soldier, I watch my back, I only dream of letting people in, could I ever really do it? Maybe I see a chance for me to understand a positive family bond slipping away. I may never know if any of my family really loved me.

  Goddess, let him find the light in his lives beyond this. Blessed Be.

  ~J

  • 11:27 pm
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