Fear has a new meaning.

And anger.

'trying to take something u didnt help me to get
u selfish bitch
I hope u fucking burn in hell for this shit'

Not that ejaculating makes u a father, but it wasn't even ur sperm!

U never gave a damn bout his child before. I am so tempted to break my precepts about whining about my life on here just to scream about the MEDICAL repercussions of ur actions, that u still have the nerve to lie and deny.

But ud put us thru court, knowing ud never get anything from it, just cuz money isnt tight enuff for us. Maybe ud like to give the courts a reason to put a poly parenting agreement to the test? See if they uphold her rights as the ONLY other parent to this child? What more do u want? Haven't u spited us enuff?

Fine spite us, but leave my child out of this. Taking money out of our pockets is taking food out of hir mouth. I don't expect u 2 suddenly care about the baby's well being but at least behave like an adult and not jeopardize a child for petty revenge.

So I am not perfect, but I have worked so hard to do right by this child. The apathy in me of late has made it really difficult, but I still do more than the average parent by far. We scrape to save for college, we do everything in our power to make hir safe from persecution, not to force any societal precepts upon hir. All things beyond the generally accepted provisions a parent should supply which go without saying.

OK, I know I'm walking a fine line here. What is the greater picture? The deeper knowledge? Perhaps what makes a parent. Why this child is equally my wife's and mine, DNA aside. I am reminded of the King Solomon fable about the two women arguing over the baby. Which would knowingly put the baby in jeopardy? The one who is not the parent. Theres more. What is the difference between someone who makes mistakes and someone who takes advantage? The one truly just making mistakes will ADMIT their mistakes, and try to fix them, and however gradually their behavior will improve. On the other hand someone taking advantage does not come to u and own up to their mistakes, lies when u catch them, and every time their trespass is worse until they see how far they can push u, how much ur willing to forgive them for. My greatest weakness is my propensity to blame myself for things that are not my fault. But no amount of lies can make me believe I acted wrongly. If their were problems that u saw before I did u couldve done the right thing and come to me and worked it out instead of betraying us and putting the baby in harms way.

I didnt take back any gifts that I paid for u with my own money (not that I dont know u stole that book like u apparently need to steal anything not nailed down, hell ur trying to steal a child now).

Grow up.

The temptation grows
Cuz I want to talk to you
But it would hurt her

I want to stop writing about my ex-husband. It was helping for a bit, but Ive reached a stand still. I only want to yell and scream and ask why, why, WHY over and over and that doesn't serve any purpose.

What happened to my rants? I feel used up, rung out, like Ive cried every tear I have to cry, but I still cant find that catharsis, that peace, the sense of certainty that I knew where I was going and why. I only get it in snippets during my better days. I had this sense of how the world was supposed to be. And I never thought it actually was that way, but that the truly honorable person worked to bring it closer to that vision. A world where I can walk down the street and not have someone try to shove Christianity down my throat. Normally I would be so angry about that, I mean we choose to live here because of the diversity, the Sikh temple on the corner, the Muslims next door, some place safer for my child to grow up, safer from the prejudice they are bound to come across with two mothers, an atheist and a Wiccan. Today I finally found a non-Christian pediatrician so when my child is born in December I can take them to the doctor without having to endure a room looking like Christmas threw up in there. And normally Id be so angry that these concerns even exist in a country that has had religious freedom for more than 200 years. Normally Id be so happy about the pediatrician. I was briefly, but I can't muster up much gusto. I do still care. I care about that ignorant pastor trying to burn the Koran, how horrible! I care about the Islamic cultural center they are trying to put in NYC! I can't believe people are fighting against it. I wonder if there are any churches near the Holocaust Museum. It is as logical to ban a mosque because of the actions of Al-Queda as it would be to ban a church because of the actions of the KKK or the Nazis. I mean if I am to accept that good Christians exist... *sigh* I know thats not fair or true. There are good and bad people of all faiths and non-religion. There are intelligent and ignorant people in all religions and non-belief. See, I'm just no good at this today. Im forcing it. My normal arguments fueled by logic and anger are left with only a weak imitation of their former selves. This is how people get reverse prejudiced. They start being too burnt out to do anything but start hating back.

I have more but I can't seem to get the words out. So what? What will yelling about it on this xanga do? Will one person who normally without consideration of their non-Christian patrons suddenly change their mind and forgo the Christmas decorations this year? (I don't mean in their home or church, but just forgo them in their public place of business where supposedly customers of all religions are welcome). Probably not. And the actually hating Christians, who not only need to have their religion in all the public places, but can't abide by others even having their own places of worship nearby, who will actually accost non-Christians on the street, or go to their door, to attempt to force their religion on them, will this make even one of them reconsider? Yeah right.

But at some point I felt like the world could be better. I was encouraged by Obama's election, I was inspired by the Laughing Man, I wanted to follow in the footsteps of every civil rights leader to ever make a difference in this world. But right now Im so tired, and money is so tight, and I don't see any course of action that will actually have a positive consequence. My mind argues back with me saying the world has changed, has become better, it still has far to go, but change is possible. Yes, change is possible, my apathy replies, but I don't know where to start so I might as well work on what I can change. I can find a way to get a better job so we can make ends meet, I can physically take care of myself and my child, I can hunt out pockets of safety for my child to frequent. But do I really want to just leave the world this way? If only I had the energy...

The apathy that I have hated so much in others is starting to come down on me. I understand it now. It comes from dealing with just one thing too many. Can I fight it?

LIES

I'm so tired of your lies
How they haunt my dreams at night
So many lies and why?
Why deprive me of my closure?
Of my peace?

Does sticking to your ludicrous story really benefit you?

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THE SAFETY OF YOUR LIES!

I want you to pay for your crimes
Her tears
And my scars

And all of the dreams you sold
The moments you stole
The danger you put us in

After all the time it took me to believe
Took me to overcome my weaknesses painstakingly
All the mistakes that I begged and made up for
All the times I forgave you
This is how I am repaid

O how absurd
The joke the universe plays with me
Toying
Constantly
With any sense of stability I seem to find

I can't bare to look anymore!
At the pile of your stuff on the porch
Waiting for you to claim
And return my precious words
I would long since have given up
But she won't throw it out

And so it grows like the cancer in my heart
Every time I get the mail
Every time I think I see white and grey out the corner of my eye
When I hear your footsteps on the stairs

And I falter
I stumble
I bleed
You should be paying for your lies!
Not me!

It all comes down to one brick wall
Between myself and moving on
If you wont admit what you've done
How can I ask you why?

I finally gave in
To a piece of glass
Just once
I breathed in the pain deeply
Exquisite
How I had longed
How I hunger even more than ever now
So easy
So fragile
Humanity
We know not the frailty of the human soul
No strength of character
No unbreakable bond
No undying emotion
Can bolster the human soul unending
What do you depend on?
What stops your screams at night?
Whatever it is, it will not stay
Because the universe demands the best from us
It demands we stand alone
Naked in our pain
And face it
I failed
The fear welled up in me
The mind-killer
And everything I am drained away
Now again I fight the hungry roar
Forever calling in my dreams
The blood, so sweet
I want to drown in it
And yet I walk away today
For the reasons I barely hear
Past the pounding in my ears
One foot in front of the other
I think
I hope
I wring out my tears
And keep walking

Trying to keep forcing myself to write:

I'm so sick of my own unstable emotions. Fine one minute and inch from the edge the next. And yet I still prefer this to what I watch my wife do to herself. I am like a willow, I bend to my emotions give into them, and eventually they blow over. Shes like an oak. Trying to pretend she doesn't still love him. If she'd just admit it maybe she could get over him eventually... maybe she'd at least be able to sleep. Then again I haven't been able to sleep in this empty house. But nightmares are nothing new to me. It far more worrisome to see them in her. And I can't help her. She can't help me either but I have **** to lean on. Shes all alone and just looking at each other marks his absence and hurts us both. Everything I try to do to help her just makes it worse, which in turn makes me worse. Ug how do I end this self destructive spiral? Every time one of us gets on track the other pulls us off. We should be pulling each other onward, but I think we're pulling each other apart. I just want to feel good for longer than a day. Yesterday I wanted to come on here and write how good I felt just getting out of this house... and the promise... it was like drinking sunshine. I want to hold that moment in my heart forever. And then I come back here. There is a way to end this I just cant see it. There is a way to help her and I just cant see it! Calm down frustration will only set me off again. I can do nothing for her if I myself am not well. And more importantly I need to stay well for the baby. Goddess I think that promise may have saved my life, I am incredibly more lucid today than my darker moments recently. Ok, what is hurting me other than seeing her hurt. I accept that I still love him. And I have been through this before, too many times, loosing the ones I love. And I know one day it will stop hurting and I'll actually feel guilty like my love died, but it didn't I just accepted the pain and some day after that I will look back and smile. I think of those I have loved and lost and I do smile now, the ones that died, the ones that hurt me, the ones I hurt hardest of all to look at in my minds eye, but all of them. I value the contribution they made to my life and to my person. I had to go through that place to get to this one and I wouldn't change my life, I wouldn't change my decisions. Even now I wouldnt take back the three years of my life I wasted on my ex-husband cuz if nothing else he brought me to my wife. I prolly wouldnt even be poly if not for him. And thank the frackin Goddess I'm poly. I think Id die right now if I was mono and had my only love betray me while I'm pregnant, and I certainly wouldn'tve survived financially. And I can protect the baby from him cuz its not his biologically. Oh yes, being poly is definitely right for me. So the fact that I still love him... no its not the problem. Its strangely some comfort. The essence of my being, the belief in unconditional love, my ability to love, is in tact. I can love him with out letting him hurt me. No its far simpler than that or perhaps more complex. I think the problem is that I am still sexually attracted to him in a way that I have never been with anyone. He is the only person to ever truly dominate me, and while many people who know me find it impossible to believe, I am strongly a submissive at heart. Sexually at least, I can be quite domineering in other aspects of my life, but sexually... I always really liked the marriage Nynaeve and Lan have in the Wheel of Time series. Nynaeve is in control in public. Lan controls in private. The only erotic story I ever had the guts to write was about this Lady, a Queen maybe, someone in charge of all these realms and things and she walks into her private chambers to be suprisedly dominated by her maid. An unlikely mix no? But exactly what I wish, I like to be in control and am far too feminist to let someone control the public aspects of my life, but the freedom of submission, the feeling of being wanted and able to fulfill that wanting. Only something I could do with the utmost trust, but very rewarding. I do honestly think it may stem from my first experience with being wanted and with sex being rape. And the way I was left for dead afterwards is prolly why I am always so clingy after sex. But regardless of the origins, I have a healthy appreciation for submission. But I fear that it is turning unhealthy in the fact that I can only see my ex as my master. My dreams lately have gotten so disturbing that my wife has forbidden me to answer the door when home alone, lest it might be him (surely just returning my book). She told me if something were to happen shed never forgive ME. Which astonished me cuz in the vast majority of these dreams I am completely unwilling. And even if I wavered, I would consider him taking advantage of this emotional state to be no better: rape through manipulation or coercion or intoxication is still rape. I honestly doubt he would do something like that anyway. The dreams are my minds way of trying to work out the desire to be dominated, specifically by him, and have no other outlet for these desires. And I really wish she hadn't said that cuz now I feel guilty for having dreams that I can't control. I mean normally I can control my dreams, but not my nightmares, and since Ive been pregnant even regular dream control is hit or miss. And I dont want a new relationship right now. I wish my wife or **** were better doms, but I like what I have with them too. So I'm really unsure how to fill this void. I'm not trying to say that thats all my relationship with my ex-husband was. Quite the contrary I miss so many little things about him that I never even thought of and as I said I accept that I still love him. I think its just the sexual void is the only thing Ive never experienced before and the one I most don't know how to deal with. I wonder if just putting this down will help, just acknowledging the void and accepting it, like I did with the heartache. It didn't cure the heartache completely by any means but made it manageable.  Perhaps I can do the same with this unusual void. This writing does seem to have helped a lot. We will hafta see. I will say one thing. I am much happier with this post than my last. I feel like I explored a lot about this sexual void that I didn't previously understand. And I feel like it will lead to a greater understanding of the role of sexuality and dominance in the human condition. Much more productive. Til next time my faithful admirers lol. ~J 

I haven't been writing.

And it isn't that I haven't been writing because I'm busy.

Or that I haven't been writing cuz things are good and for some reason its so much harder to write about the good things.

I haven't been writing. I haven't been sleeping. Ive barely been eating. The midwife is going to yell at me. Shes gonna be right. I'm not doing a very good job right now.

Sometimes that thought spurs me into action to try to take better care of my unborn child. Sometimes the guilt drives me further into madness.

I wonder how much of this is hormones and how much of it is my life spinning out of control?

Is there no safe place?

I want to tell you, to justify my sudden self-destructive tendencies, just how drastically the world has come crashing down around me. But I hold still that whining about ones life on here serves no purpose. And I need to find a purpose... find some purpose that this disaster has had in my life, some purpose to get me thru the night. 

How am I supposed to trust anyone? The universe keeps ripping the people that I trust away from me. And yet I need people. I need my family, my home, some stability. I have never been so vulnerable, never needed so much. Sure I have been thru hell and back, I have been so emotionally vulnerable and taken advantage of. I have even been hurt, physically destroyed, left for dead. But its different when you hold only your own life in your hands. Im comfortable with taking my life in my hands. I have always some how managed to pull myself back together. But its not just me. Everytime I cry I am reminded that the very emotion in my body is harmful to my child. Before if I couldn't sleep, if I couldn't eat, if I couldn't breath, well it'll pass no lasting harm done. What lasting harm might I do with one little panic attack? I can't fight, I can't defend myself and in the nightmares that fact haunts me. I never knew how much comfort I took in my fighting prowess until I found myself forbidden, and far too constantly exhausted to defend myself. And the midsts of all this, in the midsts of all this, the universe yanks my foothold away. And I wonder if Im just cursed and I wonder if Im a fool and I wonder if its just a wonderful little joke to see how much I can take. And I hope that the rational part of me (a part that's strength waxes and wanes throughout the day without rhyme or reason) that says that the universe is making me stronger, that I chose this life, a hard life, for a reason, that I have a purpose, a destiny that once I finally manage to get my stability permanently I will be able to fulfill and I will be happy; I want that part of me to be right. The universe is just trying to teach me that there is nothing that can be taken from me that will destroy me. I love therefore I am. And I do love, the universe did not rip that away with my husband. My ex-husband I should say. I do love him despite what he did to me. The universe cant take that from me. What a strange thing to take comfort in. 

There is a new aspect to my world, that I never could quite put into focus before. Like it was always glinting out of the corner of my eye but I couldn't truly believe it was real. It is real. And by ignoring it, fearing it, disbelieving it, I almost lost it. I wish my life could be made of ice cream and wine and green apple soap (yes Im actually getting a fondness for certain kinds of soap... sometimes... once a week or so) but to live in moments soaking in the bath with my wife, curled up on the couch with my husband, breathing in the scent warm and sweet like jasmine tea and fully intoxicating me. I wish I could take snapshots of these symbols of my freedom and post them in my heart for all the times I get tired and lost and scared. Just to prove they were really there, are here, I can fly again. The world has for once a melody in major and sings "you cant cage her". I put my gender down as "other" and wrote in bigendered, unafraid, unashamed. My brother put his trust in me in truth for perhaps the first time. And my sight in coming back to me to see people in the physical world. All these things that seem unimportant, insignificant, materialistic, they are turning my world! And at this moment I dont feel like I need to fight, it may only last a moment, and never late at night. But I think Im finally getting there and its all because I am whole now and I didnt smother it or run away. Last week it hurt me dearly, but this week it pays. Because I have found the direction Ive been searching for and I will take my soul and wrap it round her like a blanket when she cries and protect him with my very life. I think I finally believe with all my heart. And thus my family's here and will grow and will never be apart!

*laughing... and for once its a good thing*

I randomly thought today of the child that I never had. Where is he? This hole that is a part of me? And there are two other children out there that I once thought of as mine... and the relationship died with betrayal and time. If they were mine biologically Id be able to take them in my arms today... jealous much. And if I got pregnant today, in my heart it would be ours, all three, and I hope after this world shaking moment where only love held the ground together, I wonder if she would call it hers? Somehow I have faith that my children will come to me. Sometimes I dream of them already born, showing up on my doorstep, "Maddy its me! I'm home" Foolish perhaps. But the universe will sort it all out. This is what I was made for. Daisies are a sign of loyal love. You must believe to be loyal, Ive learned recently, and I believe it better than reportingly!

Sally and Drake I love you both equally and forever.

PS Ive written a lot lately, don't worry Ive decided to make myself write every day, even in the best of times I know I am overly emotional and getting it out here puts less burden on my loves. I will do anything for them and this is good for me! Love ya'll, <3~J.

Either the beat is welling up in me or it is the scream
Nothing ever in between
Either I'm drowning in adrenaline rising to meet the threat head on
Or the blood is pouring out of me immobilized as my life force's gone
I dont know how just to be
Ive robbed myself of my peace
Thinking that I made the Choice
That for the greater good I concentrate my voice
But the truth is I dont know how not to fight
Lest I cower in the dark of night
I live only at either pole
The world between from me Ive stole
Somehow I have shut my mind
To living in any other form or kind
But Ive had a chance to live my life
Safe in the arms of my husband and wife
And now I find myself looking back
Wishing for this clam I lack
So that my torrent can cease to rage
That I can really believe Ive escape my cage
I need not fight nor flee
Cant I just LIVE in bliss and glee?
But my body moves on in automated style
I can be nothing but wild
And as I flare on like the sun
I unexpectedly burn loved ones
I only super nova when I try to stop
Unstable power that I cant drop
"Tell me how to be?!" my desperate cry
Rings in silence across the sky
I promise though, I will try
Before I loose you I will die