September 9, 2010
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I want to stop writing about my ex-husband. It was helping for a bit, but Ive reached a stand still. I only want to yell and scream and ask why, why, WHY over and over and that doesn't serve any purpose.
What happened to my rants? I feel used up, rung out, like Ive cried every tear I have to cry, but I still cant find that catharsis, that peace, the sense of certainty that I knew where I was going and why. I only get it in snippets during my better days. I had this sense of how the world was supposed to be. And I never thought it actually was that way, but that the truly honorable person worked to bring it closer to that vision. A world where I can walk down the street and not have someone try to shove Christianity down my throat. Normally I would be so angry about that, I mean we choose to live here because of the diversity, the Sikh temple on the corner, the Muslims next door, some place safer for my child to grow up, safer from the prejudice they are bound to come across with two mothers, an atheist and a Wiccan. Today I finally found a non-Christian pediatrician so when my child is born in December I can take them to the doctor without having to endure a room looking like Christmas threw up in there. And normally Id be so angry that these concerns even exist in a country that has had religious freedom for more than 200 years. Normally Id be so happy about the pediatrician. I was briefly, but I can't muster up much gusto. I do still care. I care about that ignorant pastor trying to burn the Koran, how horrible! I care about the Islamic cultural center they are trying to put in NYC! I can't believe people are fighting against it. I wonder if there are any churches near the Holocaust Museum. It is as logical to ban a mosque because of the actions of Al-Queda as it would be to ban a church because of the actions of the KKK or the Nazis. I mean if I am to accept that good Christians exist... *sigh* I know thats not fair or true. There are good and bad people of all faiths and non-religion. There are intelligent and ignorant people in all religions and non-belief. See, I'm just no good at this today. Im forcing it. My normal arguments fueled by logic and anger are left with only a weak imitation of their former selves. This is how people get reverse prejudiced. They start being too burnt out to do anything but start hating back.
I have more but I can't seem to get the words out. So what? What will yelling about it on this xanga do? Will one person who normally without consideration of their non-Christian patrons suddenly change their mind and forgo the Christmas decorations this year? (I don't mean in their home or church, but just forgo them in their public place of business where supposedly customers of all religions are welcome). Probably not. And the actually hating Christians, who not only need to have their religion in all the public places, but can't abide by others even having their own places of worship nearby, who will actually accost non-Christians on the street, or go to their door, to attempt to force their religion on them, will this make even one of them reconsider? Yeah right.
But at some point I felt like the world could be better. I was encouraged by Obama's election, I was inspired by the Laughing Man, I wanted to follow in the footsteps of every civil rights leader to ever make a difference in this world. But right now Im so tired, and money is so tight, and I don't see any course of action that will actually have a positive consequence. My mind argues back with me saying the world has changed, has become better, it still has far to go, but change is possible. Yes, change is possible, my apathy replies, but I don't know where to start so I might as well work on what I can change. I can find a way to get a better job so we can make ends meet, I can physically take care of myself and my child, I can hunt out pockets of safety for my child to frequent. But do I really want to just leave the world this way? If only I had the energy...
The apathy that I have hated so much in others is starting to come down on me. I understand it now. It comes from dealing with just one thing too many. Can I fight it?
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