January 7, 2007

• 3:27 am. I am snapped awake by a noise from outside my room.
  I silently beg the powers that be that my dad isn’t waking up. Then I remember
  this is a college dorm room. I’m safe… for the moment.

   

  When I woke up an hour ago I went through all my routines: attempting
  to write poetry, do calisthenics, even my homework if it would exhaust me
  enough to sleep soundly, but all attempts have failed. I blame my restless
  nights on memories that I occasionally dream and get stuck repeating over and
  over again. But I’m not thinking about those dreams tonight.

   

  The first incarnations of the other dream began when I was
  eight. They were good dreams then, though. It was so easy to fool myself. All I
  had to do was pretend I was the girl in the interaction after I woke up. Even
  now that I can’t hide from the fact that I wasn’t the girl those dreams aren’t
  so bad. It’s just easier to imagine, living vicariously through a guy. I have
  dreams with two girls too. That’s ok. Everyone has a sexuality, they can’t help
  it, it’s normal. It’s ok.

   

  But the dreams get stranger. I used to think I just watched
  too much Ramna 1/2, with my friends joking, “Instant sex change, just add
  water.” But somewhere I know that the dreams started before I ever watched that
  anime.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s ok
  too. I have a couple friends who used to be men or used to be women. Whatever,
  that would be ok.

   

  But there are no nice words like gay or transgender for the
  dreams I have. I used to make up words for what I was feeling before I told
  Monica Dorenzo that her brain was the size of a lepton in the 5^th
  grade. She told a teacher that I called her a lesbian and I got yelled at.
  Guess I was right about her brain. But I decided the old labels had enough
  problems with out me making up new ones.

   

  So I bury my head under the pillow, afraid to wonder what I am. I’m always hoping I can block
  out the dreams for one more day… I hate the middle of the night.

  P.S. I found out there is a name for it. So its about time to come out. I am gender queer. That means that sometimes I feel female, but just as often I feel male. No matter what gender I physically am I will be unhappy some of the time. But I think now that I am accepting and facing what I am and realizing that its no more "not ok" than trangendered or gay I can feel good all of the time with the acceptance of my friends and lots of cross dressing tee hee! Love ya'll, thanks for supporting me. Esp. ****! Peace.

  ~J

  • 3:10 pm
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