My porcelain skin can't shiver though I'm cold
I am a doll waiting to be sold
My form showing through butterfly lace
Hair pulled back to see my face
A robe slipping from my shoulder
I could be young, but my eyes look older
A finger traces o'er my skin
I feel electric from within
A whisper that cause my soul to wake
I cannot move, though I shake
You bring your eyes within my gaze
The darkest light in my dreamy haze
And as I loose myself in chocolate eyes
Wondering if they're real or lies
My lips move to yours, newly awoke
And you vanish in a puff of smoke
I long again for your hearts gleam
A girl waking from a dream
Lying still just like a doll
Wond'ring if your real at all.

I dont trust you anymore. And you don't even notice or ask why. When I try to talk everything unimportant gets in the way and you let it. Can you even be serious anymore? Were you ever? Did anything not superficial ever matter to you?

Years ago when I was only uncertain where we stood, I almost died. I had one of those days where you find out who your real friends are or you crash and burn. On the edge I called anyone who could pull me back. Anyone... I am still alive to speak about it because I did. Because the person I only knew for a few months was willing to drive 6 hours there and 6 back to come get me when the person I knew since I was 3 wouldn't because she had a party to go to.

I can never forgive you. And so our "friendship" is a shadow of a joke. The little sister who I have no bond but blood with and can never let go of. But we don't even have blood.

I wonder why I talk to you. I wonder why I care. I wonder why I still hurt that you weren't there after all this time.

Somewhere deep down I must have thought I could count on you.

Query: Emotions cross reference Monique

…

…

ERROR: File not found!

Query: Emotions

1)      I love my brother

2)      I hate my addictions

Search Complete

Query:  Normal Pain Responses

1)      Destructive Addictions to Escape Pain

a)      Fuck Someone Inappropriate

·         Dave

·         Melissa

·         Nicole

·         Seno

·         Anyone passing by

b)      Cut

·         Lemon juice

·         Salt

c)       Suicide Attempt

·         Knife

·         Pain killers/ Drugs

·         Crash Car

·         Find Dangerous People

d)      Drugs

·         Stone

·         Acid

·         E

·         Coke

·         Pot

·         Whatever I can find

e)      Alcohol

·         Vodka

·         Whatever I can find

Search Complete

Query: Current Desires cross reference Normal Pain Responses

No match found

Query: Current Desires

1)      No one touch me

Search Complete

Query: Current thoughts

1)      I meant to buy Monique roses from that corner guy but every time I knew I’d see her and I drove that way he wasn’t there.

2)      Monique has these same gloves, should that bother me?

3)      Am I escaping pain by not feeling?

a)      Could this be an alternative to addiction?

b)      Is this feeding my addiction?

c)       Is this healthy?

d)      Do I care

4)      Do I want her back?

a)      Do I want her to fight for me?

5)      Am I a lesbian?

6)      Could I be mono with a girl?

a)      Could I have been mono with Monique?

Search Complete

Analysis: No alternative action is present and there is no evidence it is needed.

Conclusion: Resume Autopilot.

loving you is like understanding the universe

its consuming my mind and overflowing the capacity of my heart

infinite interconnections, balances, energies, its tearing my finite self apart

why cant you see the fire in my palms?

why cant you hear the music I cant sing?

WHY CANT YOU FEEL THE RUSH COMING OVER ME?!

words are too small, my song a mere squeak

in the balance with the pureness of eternity

there is a perfection that I cannot imitate

yet I think it will kill me if I cant communicate

if only I could make a painting of my heart

just to show you a drop of the plan so far

and as my second of sight passes

I tear a scream back from the ashes

all that every is, flows through me to these words

though they are far less than you deserve

loving you is like understanding the universe

I need to get my head straight but I dont know what that means. I need something... its funny cuz I have everything Ive ever wanted cept one thing Im working towards, but the thing is Im afraid of loosing it. Im waiting for the other shoe to drop. I cant possible deserve this. How long before I loose it? And the thing is I am loosing, sleep, weight, peace of mind... because everyone tells me a different way I could do better but I just dont think I can do it all. My own dreams are such a weight on my shoulders, cuz I cant stop... I cant stop... I just cant let myself stop. I need to do more, be more, change the world, save the world, something to justify my existence I AM NO LONGER WORTHLESS RAT!!!!!!!!! Ive already done what most people marvel at and yet I must do more I must, I must, I must. But I dont know if I can physically keep up with what Im doing.... I wonder if I came so far because I was never good enough for you and it made me work harder. I wonder if I could have gone farther if I didnt waste so much time trying to keep myself from being an emotional wreck because of how you abused me. Probably a bit of both, but now Im back at square one and I have work to do and Im sitting here, aching, wanting to cry and unable to force myself to go on. If I could just sleep, relax, take a break.... this is my break but theres no release.. I need to release the pressure so I can move on. And I never learned how to relax, because there was no place that was safe no place that was home and now youve violated the only home Ive ever had, making your presence known. Ive got to get away cuz I have no time to face those demons anymore. I wanna runaway and never say goodbye, I wanna know the truth instead of wondering why, I  wanna know the answers no more lies, I wanna shut the door and open up my mind! And yet even when youre not really there chasing me I feel you and I run. I dont know how to stop and breathe so Ill run myself to death. I thought love would save me but I found my true loves and I discovered that my demons are my own. I have to face you but how?? I deny you father of lies you are NOT my father. I will be free, I will, someday.... but how?

Weakness

I see your face when I sleep at night
And I just want to be by your side
Your eyes give off the darkest light
And I can never believe that youve ever LIED
I'm just under the spell of your embrace
Dying to kiss your sweet face
And you take advantage of my weakness
You don't hafta call when you say you will
Cuz you know I will be here still
Youre very presence is my weakness
I dream of being in your arms
I've known you sincetimes very dawn
Im intoxicated by your charms
But just when I think youre here I realize youre GONE
Do you even think of me
I wonder where youd rather be
Dont you realize that youre my weakness?
I hate when you say to take it slow
Cuz youre the one and that I know
What other girl could be my weakness
I want to keep you safe from harm
Though Ive never met someone so strong
I fear my words will cause you alarm
So I say nothing so it all wont go WRONG
I think of you so much I cant sleep
Cuz my heart is yours to keep
Id do anything for yours its my weakness
So hear are the words Im afraid to say
Please dont let them keep you away
I love you, its my weakness

I love you, its my weakness

The words escape me now that Ive sat down to write

I want to scream at you, beg you, love you, hate you, touch you, run from you

Twist the knife a little further in my heart

When you answer the phone and fill me up, buttercup

You never call when you say you will

And yet its you I want... the things Ive considered

Something I could never do, a betrayal, but if I did itd be for you

And you might want nothing from me

Do I smother you? And you wonder why my heart is best on two people

Otherwise, see, I will shine the sun on you until u burn

And wonder why you let go as my firey grip tightens

I try so hard not to call out desperately, but uve robbed me

Of my sanity, my solace, my peace, my direction, my obsession

Is it so easy to win my heart? I barely know you

But what u awakened in me with that womans touch

You know, its cruel to give a starving man bread crums

But you did, and I ache for more, scream for more, beg for more, bleed for more

And more than your touch, ur smile, ur strength, ur certainty, ur power, ur prowess, ur fragility....

I recognize you! From my deepest desires, wildest dreams, oldest longings

Even my stories of a blessed future and home speak of you

So could I betray and give up my home?

You have me teering on the edge of destoying myself

But you tell me to be true, and I breathe

Where were you all that time I screamed for you?

Waiting til I found myself needing more than I dreamed?

Cant you be a part of what I have built?

Throw me away and toss the key

At least then I will not hope...

But no, please, to loose you...

I would follow obediantly the path to your heart

But that path has strayed from me

And as I blunder in this forest of thorns, will you guide me home?

Hear me please, and send that blue bird to lead me home

For the torment alone is all I have, hope

Until you make your move

My heart cries again tonight

I touch the fire and it freezes me

Yet you seem to make me burn

Im drownin, chokin, but I wont tear myself away

For the mystery I have yet to learn

It is a paradox, what draws me in

And tempts me yet to flee

It is a paradox, I beg you to share

And yet you have all of me

Let me be servant to your passions

Lying in your bed

And when you hurt let me comfort you

And cradle your sweet head

Oh my muse, sing the paradox

My heart is his its true

But take this leap of faith

For my heart belongs to you

Oh, my klingon mistress

Shining fire in the sky

Know that I will fight for you

It is a good day to die

This word, it is a battfield

Spun fire thru turbulent ice

As the current sweeps me under

I realize Im only its device

And even as I loose myself

I find my heart anew

What has sparked this life in me?

The only answer is its you

How can you be blind to this?

I wont let it leave me lips

It could save me and destroy me

And all my power, strips

This word always grips on to me

This feeling... it will leave?

And yet that this is just a passing fancy....

That I can't believe

This word refuses me

No peace and no white dove

And yet I can't help but question

Could this be....

....

.

love?

oh my Goddess

I dont know where to start but I never dreamed of pain so utterly rooted in my soul found in what was such a safe place... my best friend, my family, MY BEST FRIEND, MY FAMILY, who I LOVE!!!!!

Ni**er, d*ke, Goddess, I can't type the words now, I feel so sick. That someone I LOVE could use those words in such seriousness. And how stunned I was. And how I... I thought it must be a mistake... there must be a reason... he could NEVER REALLY MEAN.... And then off the phone it started to sink in....

What if.... no, no, he WOULD NEVER... but what if... no, no, he LOVES me... but what if... just once... behind my back... if he ever called me THAT!!!!! And I started sobbing uncontrolably the whole way home. I couldn't even let Drake touch me cuz everything, everything hurt. Goddess, I have been called that. Oh so many times. Oh so many... that word... any word like it... its getting kicked out of my grandmothers because I'm dating a girl... its being told I cant do math, sports, w/e because I was born female... its running from the cops while they shoot at my friends KILLING Chester... its that article Alice Quirk wrote senior year of high school calling homosexual relationships "unacceptable" and how I cried then because I had been friends with her once back in 6th grade because I kept thinkin of missin half of Hidalgo cuz I was too busy kissin Tree... its everytime I have to take off my arm bands, my pentacles, cover my tatoos, and I feel like I'm rippin off a part of my soul... its the time I lost my job for doing the day of silence and I sat in my car in the parking lot crying for 3 hours... its getting soda tabs thrown at me in the lunch room and kids crossing to the other side of the hall making the sign of the cross as I passed... its gettin yelled at for callin Monica Direnzo a lesbian when all I really said is that her brain was the size of a lepton... its poor gentle sweet Nickie at the super market with his bf gettin screamed at and called fa**ot just cuz they were holdin hands... its timid little Becca bein too afraid to hold my hand... its Skarr dancin the beautiful way he does and some guy mockin him and pushin him and gettin his budies to come back and try to beat him up when he fights back and Goddess when Kat told me that I wished so hard I coulda been there cuz I woulda pounded the assholes into the ground... its that poor kid from Boys Dont Cry and all the horrible things they did to him, his gf, and his gfs family, cuz he was born female... its Billie Holiday's Strange Fruit... its every witch ever burned, every black person ever lynched, every woman ever raped, every hate crime ever committed.... I have been called that so many times... but never... from someone... I actually LOVED... and if he EVER called me that....

I used to think Id forgive him for anything. Hes betrayed me... oh hes betrayed me, hes sworn to be there and left in my hour of need AND I FORGIVE HIM. He did it again, AND I FORGIVE HIM. Hey, its not like I havent betrayed him too. But if he ever, in his innermost thoughts, even let that word pass in connection to me... those I love... I could never never never never forgive him.

And suddenly all those bi/poly ur greedy jokes are eating me from the inside out... and I wonder when they will come up with some slur against polys. ... ... And I wonder if he'll use it. And suddenly I wonder what the REAL reason for his dislike of my friends, my lovers is... would he... call them... Goddess I think Im going to be sick. Its been like and hour and I cant stop crying. How in the world can this be possible? To love someone so dearly, to think you know them like u know urself, to be willing to defend them to the last breath of ur dyin body, and to be so.... betrayed.

And I cant even express it, cuz the truth is, I dont think I could make these words actually leave my lips. How could I even begin to explain the hate and the hurt and the *utter* sorrow!

My friends, my family, those I love who read my words because u love me, take to heart what u read here tonite, these words must DIE!!

~J

Hope is the worst of all evils for it prolongs the torment of man.

But torment me in this limbo
Tween wakin and sleepin
Tween misery and ecstasy
Tween cold hard breaths
And warm soft moans

Im walking down a long dark tunnel
Wont you walk with me
Hold my hand?
Scream my wretched screams...
NO! Dont look at my weakness!

Ive come so far...
Ive healed so much...

AM I GOING ANYWHERE????

Dont listen to the words I whisper underneath my breath
Words echoed in my carress
We arent ready for those words
You hear them, but please pretend they dont exist

Long ago I put your name on my body...
Cant I heal you with these words?
You put your name on your body
To cover opened wounds
We put that name to our bodies
So together and so alone
Come with me

Do you hear me, sweetly softly?
Im calling your new name
I couldnt tell you how it sounds
But I know its not the same
Do you want me, sweetly softly?
In the power of the night
This passions sweeping over me
Ragin to the mornin light

NO! I have to bite my tongue...
THOSE WORDS!!!

Why is it easier to push you away
When Im drownin in my need?
Than when you fill me up with ecstasy?:

Its nothing, sleep, be well
Ill watch over you
When the sun awakens it will be safe again
Can I lay me down to sleep
With his arms around me and you in mine?
I think I could feel whole again
Until the end of time...

This time is over, far too soon
But I will dream of you
Have the courage to discover
All that you can do
And listen to my whispered words
That I dare not say aloud
Someday we will speak them
In more than a touch's inward shout

And oh hope, this misery!
I fear I wont survive
And yet it is hope's misery
That makes me feel alive.