I lay breathing on your neck
Feelin your pulse on my lips
Before I touched you I wouldve died to be here in your arms
But so close a strange pain grips
I never told you all the good youve done me
So selfish, I always crave more, more, more
Focused on what I didn't have
How my heart was slightly sore
Now youve gone and broke my wings
That I had long forgot could now fly
And still for you I climb further now
Than I ever did into the sky
Sitting waiting for the faith
That I struggle to know you'll return
I see the things I didn't say
I vow on my soul that I will learn
Old pains, now new wrack my heart
Living for your embrace
And yet I walked a mile today
For no one save my lonely grace
All the love and tenderness
All the times you clean and cook
Of all the millions gifts youve given me
This is far the best in my book
This one night my crippled legs
Walked this garden path alone
I always had the power in me
I can't believe Id never known
Ill walk forever, I swear my love
And yet I say I need you still
Get better soon, my love, my life
I know that in time you will
For I wish to do it right this time
And thank you for every hug and kiss
I wish to give back to you
Give you all the joy and bliss
We neither can heal in just one night
But weve made a redeeming start
You'll work to find youre way back to me
And I'll work to quell my howlin heart
Then I'll lay and feel youre pulse
And not feel so far away
We will live separate, entwined
And be whole only both ways
I know not how to give these things
You need only say the word
Until then here is my best
I wont stop until youve heard

I love you. I'm healing. I'm alright. I need you. I'm ok without you. I can be strong for you. I want your love, but not for you to be a slave to my emotions. I live for myself. I heal for myself. But I will always worry and want whats best for you. Perhaps this sounds like a contradiction. I live for you I live for me. But I see no difference. Selfishly youre what I want, selflessly I love you dearly and thus I want whats best for you. Selfishly your what I want, selflessly I love you dearly, and so I know youre whats best for me. There is a way for us. I dont believe in the no win situation.

"All your life people gonna make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad but let [fate] deal with the things they do, cuz hate in your heart will consume you too." ~Will Smith.

Funny I always tell this to my kids, and I held on to it through highschool, but in high school I always thought things would be different in college. For some part they were. I am appalled now that my partner tells me that he is forced to sign in and be present in a college course! If I completed all the asignments and showed up for tests I never had to show up in college, as long as I passed. I mean its on you to pass the class if you know the material why should they waste your time and make you show up. And at work, ok you hafta show up to be paid, but its not like they're gonna yell at you for texting like your in middle school, as long as you are doing all of the things in your responsibility. I was disappointed in college cuz people really didnt get smarter, I was still bored and frustrated, and at work there are still deetadees but hey at least I was treated like someone who could do more than one thing at once. Well that too seems to be disappearing. People are getting stupider I think and either the stupid people are in charge and then to cover their own stupidity they lash out at anyone with a brain, or if there is someone of average intelligence in charge (not really smart but slightly less stupid than the truly stupid people) they hafta treat everyone like their stupid cuz most the people under then are. So yet again I am trying to hold on to this saying and let go but really now why dont it ever end? I am sick of humanity, as I have been many times before, but truly it is never going to change. This is why I went into education becuase the biggest problem in the world is the fact that people dont think, theyre not educated! I feel like as a people were moving backwards. All the beauracracy, like the fall of Rome. I fear another dark age. I always felt like I just needed to fight to pave the way for those after. As long as there was progess then the future would be better and it was worth the fight. But what if it doesn't get better? Just let the three fold law deal with her... but really why fight if its not gonna help? But I know better, I fight becuase its the right thing to do and I cant do anything else. But I am really realing with frustration. *Sigh*

Ya'll know I'm doing ok if this is all I got to bitch about. As ussual, frustration with the stupid people. Hey I got two wonderful partners who will take good care of me. I love them both deeply and they love me. After all Ive been through, this is pretty good. See how little Ive written lately? I can never write unless I'm upset lol. Love ya'll, peace!<3~J

My friends,

*Sigh* my friends I know not what to say to express my current turmoil. I have been reading a memoir by Jenny Boylan, a transgendered woman, about being born male and how she became female. Throughout the book she is in so much pain, all the time, until the end when she finally becomes Jenny and suddenly there is this sense of peace. Despite all the ramifications the change has on her life there is such incredible peace. And I think of myself, as you know I am bi-gendered, being both male and female. I have met only a few others who have felt this way, when I first was willing to accept the condition and talk about it I didnt even know its name. I called it half-transgendered for a while. When I am female as I was born I am happy and reveal in it for a time and then suddenly it feels all wrong and I feel like I should be male. I will switch when I can, present as a male, I have aquired all I dare for passing, but low and behold a few days later I suddenly feel female again. I said, ok, even if my body can never truly allign with my spirit, at least I can present how I feel, but the truth is there are times that for society's ignorant sake I must pretend to be what I am not which slowly kills me inside. When I present as male I agonize over whether I pass and I am too insecure to barely breath a word. I long for this peace that Jenny has, but is it possible?

Now as always I hold that it is a waste of my time to whine about my life on here, and it is. But there are some bigger questions here, I mean how does one react to the impossible situation? "I dont believe in the no-win situation"~Kirk. Funny one of the qualities that Jenny has is an undying optimism which in some ways I feel I share with her. Bank in high school someone once said to me "you are the most resilliant person I know". He turned out to be an asshole, but the comment helps me believe in myself, something I always struggle to do. Friends who've read this, you know what Ive been through, what Ive survived, what Ive accomplished. And yet as outwardly leoninely proud of all this, deep down the Tony's words hang in my head. "Worthless rat". Even getting over the abuse from Tony, the deaths of my friends, the times I was raped, these things do not wrack me with nightmares anymore. I mean look I never used to be able to type the words! And now its like ok it happened. Im over it. But somewhere deep down I still feel unloved, unwanted, worthless. I dont believe in the no-win situation.

Simultaneously believing that no one could love me and yet believing that there was always a way when I had the will, I didn't give up. I couldn't. You miss 100% of the shots you dont take. I am married to two wonderful people. I love them both so dearly that I could never express it in words. To say Id give my life for either of theirs is my mere selfishness of not wanting to live without them.

Ive been told many times that Im a very selfless person. Funny I feel selfish. All the time. I need so much more affection and attention, tyring to convince myself that yes I did defeat that Kobayashi Maru. When the night comes and my insecurities abound I am sent into a state that my partners have trouble rescuing me from. When they lose sleep trying to help me, when I see them hurt by my doubt, oh yes I feel selfish.

Bringing the emotions associated with my ill fitting body to light didnt help, but I think it is better than leaving it buried. There must be a way, I have learned not to give up and I dont. But a long the way I cry and scream inside. Along the way I stumble and fall and expect those I love to carry me a ways until I can walk again. Sometimes I fear I will never walk again. And then in the midst of it all I wonder am I being selfish? Are they better off without me? Me, with so much pain and baggage and minority issues? If there is any guidance in this world, no wait, I know there to be, I know the force that pulls us where we belong, so I ask not for more guidance, but just to keep pulling me.

I dont think there is anything to do in the impossible situation but to stare it down and believe that theres a way. And even if you fall go down fighting for a better future. Today is a good day to die.

I dont know if I accomplished anything here, but you have my love, always, my friends, til next time. ~J

Compared to all my melancholy sighs
Now I laugh at chocolate lies!
Gone is Rosalind, paling before the sun
And here is my Juliet, the golden haired one
She holds back my heart until I ache!
As her touch makes me shiver and quake
Newly, it seems my souls awake
And as I reach out to her in passion
There is no more disappearing in that peculiar fashion
In  her eyes I see naught but truth
She comes back for me when shes off aloof
Gives comfort where I once found scorn
A new smile to adorn
No more do I feel forlorn!
And in my weakness she holds me close
In my strengths she sees no boast
But respects me in every way Ive dreamed
Inspires songs to replace my screams
Now I will sing her heart to me!
For she seems to cause mine to beat!
A love nothing can defeat!

I BELIEVE IT BETTER THAN REPORTINGLY!!!!!!!!

The rain....
La Luvia....
It patters against the pavement in my mind
The way my heart should escape my throat
And patter on the walls
Why does the rain not sing?
Why do these tears not flow?
As if this is some false reality... fake... unfeeling...
Panic stricken I sink into myself
Proud and fearless I scream out of myself
Always the band of contradictions
So brokenhearted, so longing, so lost
So wrapped in love, so tempered, so found
Too soon, speaks the doctor, too soon to feel good again
I dont... do I?
But I do, so free of memories, addictions, unfaithful lovers
Free to live again, free to love again, free to fly
The dream for which I always cried
Such an evil act set me free
An act that will always be a part of me
A part of my soul that cant hold on
No more! Rhyme begone!
This verse is free
Inspired by something new
Something unseen before
Something unknown, unheard of, non-existant
And yet you exist!
No, speak not those words fool!
Shall we repeat folly after folly into the broken heart?
How can a heart that was never whole be broken?
How can a heart that does not understand
Does not retain
Does not BELIEVE
Love?
But I do! I have... my own twisted love
Such need, and passion, desire, longing.... can it be
Without belief
Believe he said
Believe
Believe

Believe

What will it take to believe?
Faith unknown?
How can I have faith without proof?
How can I have proof without faith?
Funny how easy that question is when it comes to magick
I feel the Goddess move in me
There is no Goddess
"She" is a force of gravity
The powers that be
Pulling me into rhyme
Lending power to my words
But this shall be no spell
I intend to embark on a journey so dangerous
That my life will surely fail
But my heart, my heart just may be reborn
And that makes all the difference
See, I have all that is life except its meaning
Does anyone have its meaning?
No, we can not climb to infinity
But we must dare
I dare
I dare

Fear is the mind killer

So thank you, Goddess, for this pain
That wrenches me awake at night
And has me laugh the day a way
A soul struck in twain
For I know the only way to pull myself together
Was to pull myself apart
The worst lost
The only nightmare I had left to dread
That that dont kill you can only you stronger
I need you to hurry up now, cuz I cant wait much longer
I know I got to be right now, cuz I cant get much wronger
Ive wait my whole life
Just to know

Its worse knowing how much I needed it to happen

There is no angry cry of WHY
I know
There is no scream that it wasnt worth it
It was... I think... I hope
IT CANT BE

it is

I will move on
I will heal
Better than before
Faster?
Stronger?
More able?

to Love

Will I get another chance?
Hope

Hope is the worst of all evils
It is the best of all evils
I fight again
But I neednt be a lone soldier to fight

Soon I will be complete, I think, I hope
Ah that hope again
Silly me
Over using my white space
Wanting ever word to be heard above the others
A thunder storm
Where lightenings compete for their voice against the sky
I will sing it to me
My soul
I will sing it to me and be whole
The magick welling up in me
Time to fly, to be free
Always, and forever, Blessed Be.

No Bounds

Last night I had my fingers entwined in golden curls
But this is not a poem about golden curls
Nor is this a poem about chocolate eyes or Catholic girls
Its not a poem about long lost brothers or shadow wolves
Its not even a poem about husband(s?) or dream wives
It is a poem about one simple infinite thing:
Love
True love knows no bound
So male or female, even both, I love you
Love me or not, I love you
Change your love into something new, brotherly love... hate... I love you
If I saw you last years ago, months ago, minutes ago, I love you
If I met you yesterday, years ago, over half a decade ago, I love you
Whether you disappeared on me, broke my heart, or lifted me up, I love you
If I hurt you, betrayed you, or let you go, I'm sorry, I love you
Regardless of how many I loved before you, with you, or after you, I love you
Once I commit my heart, once I commit my soul, I never betray that promise
So I will be there for you if you need it
Even if you walk back into my life ten years from now
And I will think of you with a smile for good old days
On random rainy afternoons
And I will still love you
Always and forever
Because that is real love
That knows no bounds

To the person in New York who keeps googling my old Wiccan name to find this site: I know who you are... actually you look rather pretty today... No jk, but seriously stop hiding its kinna obvious;. ~<3 J

my world is like a spider web
spiraling in a hole
im trying hard to touch the fire
but its all ice cold
all this spinning confusing me
im not in the mood
my hearts vulner'bility's like
standing in the nude
the beat is welling up in me
typhoon tide a rage
bluebird searching for my home while
wasting in a cage
i cant rest until i find some
other way to tie
your movements are controlling me!
a grave desperate lie
i cant rest for all i know is
fighting in a race
with everything hanging on that
next desired space
i cant rest cuz i know theres no
safety in your heart
so close yet so far away it
drives my mind apart
so i cling to sanity in
foolish half craved dream
to think that world could coincide
with the truth ive seen
where oh where can i go from here
this old question begs
i will never stop running as
long as i have legs

Im sick of feeling trapped. Im so angry, but I cant fight. There is no way to fight this. Im lashing out at the people around me cuz its easier to drive them away then deal with the idea that they might leave on their own. But I cant be alone as I suddenly wish to be, if I was alone I could hide in my shell til I died or healed, but at least I would know where I was going. After all this time of wishing to not be alone... having someone is far more frightening. Hes hurting and I hafta watch it, hes hurting and Im powerless to stop it, hes hurting so bad and I dont have the strength to hold him down cuz I can barely put one foot in front of the other unless I get angry... and if I do I will lash out and hurt him more too. I hold him and dream nightmares of what I might do in his place when Im not there. I cant do anything, all the positive things I might be doing just pale in the blaze of the pain, why try to help what I cant change? There is a constant lump in my throat. I try to run, but I am so tired I only make it a few steps before I am winded. What happened to my strength? It has all bled away... It was a thing! Not a child! It wasnt alive, so it cannot die! It was a shell for a soul that lives on waiting for another shell! Why then do I feel such loss? Worse loss than I did watching the angel die in my arms, worse than when I realized my biological parents would never love me, worse even than when I finally thought I had found a family and the one who helped me build it, who put these dreams of love in my head, disappeared of his own volition never to be seen again. The dream I had it, it was coming together again, all spilntered because of one act of seeming randomness. There is no such thing as stability. I am sick of working towards it only to have my efforts, years of work, dashed in a mere day, in a mere moment, in a mere sentence, "There was no heartbeat... so this is going to be a miscarriage." Logically, intellectually, no one can fathom this dichotomy, losing something that you never had, but I hate them all for expecting me to be ok when Ive lost... Ive lost... Ive lost something so priceless I cannot quanitify it with words. I try and try, as if by just finding the word to say what Ive lost I could do something about it... perhaps if I understood what Ive lost I could at least properly grieve instead of struggling every day for the next step the next breath the next moment. And I think, well after this being your dream and your purpose and the goal that kept you going for years and years and years what youve lost is your hope. But no, Ive had set backs before, dreadful setbacks that threatened my chances of surviving, or turning the nothing I had to start with into something, and I always managed to pick up and start over. And it never hurt this much, I never was this close, I never felt like I lost something other than my way or hope, but there is something more here. It calls to me as if I could save it. In the sickly green graveyard I see a ball of light, and I am suddenly convinced I would have had a son. I feel as if I could reach out and pull it back. I personify this empty shell, making it afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, calling me... what is it calling me? I think its a part of me. I think a part of my soul attached to that unborn body, yes that is what it feels like a part of me died, something alive that died... funny I actually do mourn for myself then? Perhaps in unknowing is the only way. And in this revelation, true to my suspicions I feel... relief. Then am I being selfish, since all that was lost is a part of my own soul? No, I need to learn to care for myself... Amazing! Even in this most evil of occurances I find meaning. So I mourn for a part of my soul. Perhaps that can be saved. And with new direction I feel renewed. This here, my non-existant friends, this is the point of life, enlightenment. I find it through my words exploring in this limited capacity the infinite expanse of my emotions. Maybe now I can be of more help to him, who mourns also for this unquanifiable loss. I wonder if there was a bit of his soul too. Thank the Goddess, that I find this now, when surely I could not have continued in the state I was in. And a whole conglomerate of questions fill my mind about the connection between soul and body. Does the mothers soul hold to the body to protect it until it is ready to host its own soul? I shall need to think more, but I shall, my friends, until then peace!<3~J

Warning: real life details ahead. I havent streamed in a while, but I dont think I can stream about this without some details. I would tell people not to worry that most of the stuff Im about to talk about happened long ago and the stuff that happened last week... well I survived the stuff from long ago right? But um... no one seems to be worried so it seems kinna pointless. Oh well, keep on not worrying. I dont like people I cant trust pretending to worry over me anyway. It makes it worse that the concern is clearly not real anyway. Now I'm rambling which is the point of steaming, but I ought to get to the point of my streaming (does streaming have a point?) so without further warnings, for the non-existant people reading this, here are my thoughts right now:

I dont remember screaming, he tells me I was. Insists that it was in loss not in pain, too. I dunno why it bothers me that I cant remember (and that was before the moprhine) but it does. I do remember the docotor telling me... telling me there was no heartbeat.... starting to cry I couldnt stop.... my teeth chattering.... I remember looking up, like so long ago, thinking that I couldnt survive this... looking up so long ago into the eyes of an angel. I thought I was dead back then, and before I had formed the prejudices against christian mythology that I am trying so hard to break still, thinking I was dead... I thought she was an angel. I asked her if she was and she laughed. She had a beautiful laugh. Funny what I remember then is all hazy like it is now, there was certainly no morphine that night. Prolly a good thing considering it was the begining of all my addictions. I remember the heavy base beat... I can feel it pulsing now an adreneline addiction maybe, I feel it pulsing while Im driving, like a heartbeat tempting me to push that pedal down a little farther. I think I was looking for trouble, thinking back. Why did I leave the room with all the music and people? To go off alone, too wasted to defend myself, asking to be raped, practically. I wonder now if I cut because they cut me. I used to be scared of the memory but now that seems funny, in my dreams I cut them back and watch them bleed, its a dream of anticipation now. I wish I remember how many there were, or their faces, or the ally they dumbed me in to be rescued by my angel. The angel I watched die in my arms little more than a year later. She had to go, her beauty was tarnished her by them hitting her... Maybe I will track them down in my dreams and drink their blood tonight. Im enjoying this newfound violence in me, not having to push my anger into Emniem and Linkin Park, but to have my own Evil Deeds right here in my head to set me free. Like the base beat that shook the floor under me in my memory... I cant seem to get the speaker loud enough.... I need to feel the beat pulsing through me taking over day and night the lonely loner frees her mind at night.... I feel alone again, but like I did before it hurt. When I was proud to be out of my mind and out of control the one woman army me against the world. I believed if the music was just loud enoguh I could bring the world down. Now I dont care if it is or not. I miss my own strength, a normal reaction when I loose something dear, a violent return to myself and self sufficiency, but this is..... Id say too strong but I want more. Im not alone tho and thats confusing... I used to be afraid of being alone too after all the people Ive loved and watched die.... But now I want to be alone. If I had no ties, no one to hurt by lashing out I could follow that beat to the end of the world. I cant leave him tho. And my brother who I thot I lost called, told me he loved me with out me saying a prompting word. I hate when you have to hint at people to say it cuz they dont realize how much you need to hear it, or really I think they just dont feel it so why say it. I forgave him, he forgave me for the razor cuts on my arm. Its all good. I hate breaking promises, I very rarely do, so him forgiving me is really important, and hes letting me try again, one year. I hope I can do it this time. Normally I wouldnt make a promise I had the slighest doubt that I could keep, but this one is meant to save my life... maybe thats why its hard to keep. I always did find it hard to let others down than to let myself down. Which isnt good I guess, it should be equal, but I think its better than putting myself before other people. I cant stand when people do that, how selfish. Sometimes I wonder if Im selfish tho, Drake does so much for me, putting up with alot of things most people wouldnt. Pulling me back from the edge countless times. The only person who is really always there, that I can really trust. Its not perfect, nothing is, but I can forgive him considering all he does that I need. Need, thats a funny thing. Sometimes I think I need alot and that makes me feel selfish, but Im supposed to ask for help, I didnt always. I ask for help when I need it. I know who cares by who helps me and who leaves me in that ally, in the sickly green graveyard, Ive been there alot recently trying to reach the ball of light that would have been my son. But of all the friends the people I could count on one hand that I thought I could lean on, only Drake really pulls through. I wonder if what I learned in books about real friends like Gilgamesh and Enkidu going to the ends of the earth for each other, the way I treat the people I care about even if its not returned, I wonder if that doesnt accuartely reflect the human condition. People act in ways that I would in a heartbeat call selfish, and seem unashamed of such actions. If I acted so callously I would get thrown under a bus and know I deserved it. It irratates me. I think people can see that I want to help others so they come to me for help even when they do not offer that help in return. I wish I knew how to fix what is wrong with them, what is wrong with the world. Hmmm my blood lust seems sated, I now want to fix the world instead of burn it down... prolly cuz Im thinking of the people and not the monsters and institutions that make the world an evil place sometimes. Which mean it is prolly time for these ramblings to come to an end. I think I at least discussed some important things, need and selfishness and all, I never thought my memories would lead me there... I never thought they would lead to that hospital bed, apparently screaming, loosing yet again... When I win the world best tremble cuz I dunno what Ima do with it, but I can feel it in me to shake this world. I have to if anything in those books that raised me was real, it was the purpose of people to better the world. Its a fight in a way... just what Im looking for. Well anyway since this is a day for memories, just like I ended my entries of old, til next time my faithful imaginary admires, peace. ~J

one step, two step...
red step, blue step...
actually they've mostly been red
dripping blood and laughter in my head
the enemy is coming for me again, coming in my dreams
and I dont care, "come get me!" I scream
take me to a place where the woods are lovely dark and deep
the battle for the century for promises I cant keep
no more miles to go, just let me sleep
and everyone does, they just let me hide in this hole that is my heart
laughter seeping spilling and tearing me apart
except you, why do you keep trying to make me rest instead of fight?
I could rage and burn out all my strength and all my light
I'll kill them all, all my dreams, and drink their blood
rip them limb from limb and drag their bodies in the mud
I am the ghost of retribution, I'll make your evil cease
no more raping, no more beating, no more hope to torment my peace!
I can rest once we are finally all deceased
the child that was never there is gone, never to survive
how can you kill something that was never even alive?
everyone, Im sorry, you're hurting at this failure that is mine
I should never have touched any of you, it would have been more kind
so I let you go, I set you free from my attack
breathe, beautiful angel, here, your wings are back
I cant help but love you, but I will let you fly
the dream for which Ill always cry
at least you saw how hard I try....
I can not take up arms against the sea of trouble
lest I take you down inside my bubble
I'll lead you back to safety, ignore my wrath
instead of fighting, rest along this weary path
I'll always be sorry for the pain that youve all felt
I tried to be good, these were just the cards I was dealt
now I'll go out like a candle, not a glorious blaze
for why should even that one last wish be saved?
free of my memories... and yet still enslaved