Exhaustion seeps into me

Confusion seeps out of me

My heart and mind and soul

All  warring and all one

And yet every ache feels dull

My mind foggy from the smoke

I sit in the dewy grass

Close my eyes

And try to remember why I am here

 

Believe

 

The word jars me to wakefulness

In a place of memory

Looking across the table

Into a master's eyes

 

Believe

 

Must I?

Must it be this path?

This hardest of all paths?

This nonpath?

 

Believe

 

The scene fades back to grey

And in my bewilderment

From my repose upon the ground

I wonder yet again

 

 

 

What does is it mean?

I stood

stricken

afraid

peering into the grey twilight

silent

screaming out into the universe

 

It answers!

Oh it answers!

 

In sweet words and whispers

A winding trail

In midnight beauty

A step forward

Entranced

 

I long to race down the path!

Where hope itself must be glowing brightly

A prefect dream

Shimerring in that full moon

 

Step... Trot... SPRINT!

 

wait

 

Ah, mirage! Thou tempts me!

Back into these woods I have foresworn

Searching for the chocolate of your eyes

Breathe

 

Fresh air upon my face

Drinking in your charm

A cautious step perhaps

Falling

Crashing

Already

Days and out of fuel already

And the days bleed into hours

The hours bleed into minutes

The painful tick tock of the clock

The eternal drip drip of the seconds

NO

I am stronger

I do not give up

I do not give in

The challenge calls....

Is that why I fight?

To better myself

Maybe this is all wrong

Maybe I could look

Just look

Down the path

The road most taken

It is lovely dark and deep

Ah, to have miles to go!

To run free, fly, breathe the air

All I must do is betray my love

Ha! not for the wide world

I kill myself to deny it

Why can I not do in between?

The shades of grey

I am racing through pitch black tunnels

Burning in infinite brightness

This grey smog chokes!

The numbers call

Certainties uncertain

Possibilities to explore

The path has strayed from me

 

Somewhere along the way I stopped writing. What an unhealthy thing to do. I'm trying to figure out what happened. Re-find my voice....

 

Did I ever have a voice?

I always screamed about the silence

The deafening silence

As I walk along the glass and coals

Alone

So alone

 

Does it always have to return to this?

A face in the crowd

A place of screaming away from

Looking for someone bigger

To see some beauty in my howling heart

To see that I face down the mind killer

In the only way I know how

 

It hurts that you can not see me

I never cared before...

The word "true" wanders around my mind

Searching for something to connect with

My whole life Ive been searching

And hiding

And running

As long as I have legs I run

 

I say I need someone to see the beauty in me

That I cannot see it for myself

But then why do I ask?

I know to ask, thus I must know it is there

This is terrible

I should delete it all

 

My words are three days dead

The stale cold smell of morning

The word "love" wanders around my mind

Searching for something to connect with

But I am just a ghost

 

I am a shadow of myself

A mirror image

That walks and talks

You think I feel so much

But I feel numb

 

I long for the beat

Even to feel the scream welling up in me!

To feel

Where am I?

 

You don't understand

But it is the best of me

 

I love therefore I am

 

 

I love

 

Soft white fur

Deep redwood scent

Why is it so hard to tell you?

 

This time the stakes are too high

It seems less real

Maybe it is more

 

Please let it be more

 

_______________________

 

 

I was a blaze of fire

A crashing thunderstorm

And the object of my desire

Quaked at my fearful form

And as I could not bare his pain

And I did not perceive my worth

I quelled my tempest to a gentle rain

And held myself down to earth

But how could I forget my cry?

All my life, my dream to fly!

So I speak to thee

True love or not, I won't lose ME

Take me as I am

Let me inside the wall

Love the storm in me

Or love me not at all

Oh my Goddess, how is anyone sposed 2 get anything done with a 2 month old?!

I can't believe its been that long... and yet it is so instinctual, so natural, its like Ive done it forever. But enough details: poetry, art, philosophy awaits!

 

V1:

Now my girl looks up at me

With those eyes turning brown

And I find myself swearing again

That I'll never let her down

Its a pure miracle

The joy on her face

A smile so untainted

By the things that Ive faced

So don't get it twisted

Its not that Ive gone soft

But even in my darkest days

Love I never scoffed

Ive seen cold and bitter days

And fought tooth and nail

But now I see so clearly

Its for her I never fail

For whats the point of this battle

Without someone you adore?

Shes the reason for my struggle

The one Im fighting for

Most of my happiness

Long ago was a lie

I always had to pretend

When I really wanted to cry

I hope to give her everything

That I never had

So she'll never smile

When shes truly sad

So what can I tell you, girl

Of this life that is ours?

I put everything I know

Into these 16 bars:

 

More to come.... Goddess knows when.... ~J

 

I'm working on a song for my daughter. I think I'ma call it 2010 Bonnie and Clyde (in reference to Eminem's '97 Bonnie and Clyde). So far I just got the refrain:

 

It took me so long to learn happiness

Now I've got that down

It took me so long to find love

Someone who'd stick around

There are people that I'd die for

Who will always hold my heart

But only one I'd kill for

And thats what sets you apart

 

Let me know what ya'll think. Verses to follow when I have a minute when I'm not exhausted and she's sleeping lol.

You have become the face of my nightmares

And why?

Do I really believe you have the violence in you

That haunts my nights?

Yes, no, did I ever really know you?

The man I married

The simple country boy

So ignorant of the world

Who took me to Walmart as a date

Because that was all you knew

Who grew

Who changed

Who became the quoter of Descartes

The ambitious Architect

Loving my city and my world with me

My protector

The only one I ever truly trusted

Who saw me at my worst

Saved me from myself

Who I hurt and betrayed

And begged forgiveness

And got it

Made me stronger, better, more loyal

Who I supported emotionally, financially

Who I forgave

Who didn't try harder

Who stopped trying

My betrayer

Destroyer of my faith in all and everything

Thief, cheater, liar

Who endangered my child

And I don't understand how this metamorphosis happened

From the only family I ever knew

To the greatest threat my family faces

The mind killer, the tiny death

And I ramble on trying to understand

Trying to see the power you hold over me

The idea you have become

No longer flesh and blood

Lying next to me in bed

But the destruction of my dream

It took me so long to believe

And now you are linked in my heart

To the reasons I didn't believe before

To him

To my attackers

To the violence I survived

And I embark on the most sacred journey of my life

With thoughts of failure sinking in

And you planted them there!

No, he did, but you resurrected them

I need to forgive you to let go

But to forgive you I have to hate you

And to hate you I have to love you

And it is much easier to feel the fear

Than to face the rage in me

The tears, the violence

Of my own creation

It is easier to imagine you stronger than me

As I did when I wanted to feel safe

Than to have the power to fight you

Because then I would have to destroy the face I love

Burn down what I helped to build

I would rather continue to hurt myself

Than to become the slayer

Its forced even now

Another's words fuel me

You were supposed to love me

Now bleed bitch bleed

Why can't I speak for myself?

In anyone else I would aknowledge the right

In anyone else I would see no evil

In raw honest emotion, however angry

But its too close to him

Too close to you

Too close to the violence

That I would rather turn in on me

Than allow to spill out of me

I have no faith in my control

It would burn the world

Let it Burn

 

Burn you

I am too trained to accept the misfortunes that come my way

Ive forgotten how to rage at them

After all it was calm reaction

That got me where I am

No time to cry over spilt milk

If I could make that all you are

Nothing, less than nothing,

But see, I weseal out of destroying you again

I have become a ghost

Trapped in the beat of other's words

Allowing them to rage for me

But no more

I will haunt you demon

You betrayed the best thing you ever had

And I will never let you forget it

I will whisper in your dreams

I will echo in your screams

You deserve no peace unending

You deserve wrath and fire

You deserve the mind killer

Destroying you slowly and alone

And when you finally do atone

Admit your loss and your lies

I will only terrorize you more

Until the sun rises up

It is always darkest before the dawn

And my demons

The moments that strive to rule my life

They strangle me

The wind whips around me

Searing thru my bones

Stealing my words away

Leaving me silenced

The wind whispers a name

A name Id soon forget

But he haunts me

The ghost of my past

The embodiment of my fears

And every time I close my eyes

My fire draws inside myself

And burns me out from the inside

I attack myself

Destroy myself

To rage against the cold

That I dare not face

The snow beating down on me

As I squint through the fog

I can't see the dawn

Will the sun rise today?

I feel silenced. Writing doesn't have the same power of catharsis if I can't be heard by anyone. But anything I write could be used against me if it comes to a court battle. I'm sure a parent with the amount of emotional damage I have doesn't look great in the eyes of the court. The abused often become abusers, but the cycle has been broken before. Awareness is the key. I know the dangers and what I want to be. And I trust my partners to help me when Im overwhelmed. So, do what you gotta do, fake it til you make it. Sometimes I am afraid of screwing up, but honestly Id worry about any parent who wasn't. You don't work to prevent things you're not afraid of. I'm more afraid of the things I can't control. I'm afraid of the sword of Damocles coming down on my head, in fact I have been very worried of late about making things work, having a plan- I always hafta have a plan. Even that isn't what bothers me now... What is it? I almost got trapped in a dream last nite. If you astral deeply, get too far from your body, it can be hard to wake up. Ive done it to myself and it never ceases to scare me, but I have a pretty good method for waking up. I haven't been able to astral deeply since getting pregnant. This wasn't that kind of dream. It was a normal, though rather creepy dream. Also, my method, that has never failed me before, well someone messed with it. Someone litterally moved the ground to try to keep me from waking up. The same someone who must've been trying to pull me out of my body. This must all sound rather crazy to any muggle, another reason to block this from view for the time being. But I always have feared going to far and not being able to get back. The movie Inception gave me nightmares for weeks, and usually nothing scares me. This is amplified, I think, by my feeling of weakness and powerlessness lately. Being pregnant entails so many things I can't do. And being doubled over with Braxton-Hicks contractions half the time doesn't help. I can't defend myself magickally, physically... That scares me. Ive always been so self-reliant. Things out of my control... I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I think some of this is important, but I don't exactly know why. But I have to find a way to write, to feel heard, to sort through and resolve the craziness spinning in my head. I have always had so much going on in my head that without properly sorting through it I can't function that well. Actually Ive been doing pretty good I think fro not writing much. But I should make myself try more often... Anyway til next time.... ya'll know the rest.

~J

Theres a certain sense of freedom. Knowing he can't read this. I didn't realize how much of what I have been writing lately has been subconsciously for his benefit. Some of it was conscious, but much was unconscious. Perhaps that in itself was holding me in the unhealthy place Ive been in. How do you know? What to let go of, what to hold on to?

When I broke up with my first serious partner I burned everything. It hurt so much to look at. Now that I can look back and smile about him I wish I didn't. I don't have so much as a picture. I wish I had something to rekindle friendship with or something. Cuz altho we weren't meant to be romantically he was a good guy. Now my ex-husband is not a good guy in a lot of ways. If the baby was his biologically and the courts awarded him so much as visitation rights I would skip the country before letting him near my baby. Im so glad I don't hafta worry about that. But there are things I MISS about him. Things that one day I might look back on and smile. I know how this works. So where do I draw the line to move on in the quickest healthiest way? Destroying all reminders will not destroy my memory and I know I will regret it eventually. But some reminders are unhealthy and Im too close to tell the difference. How does one decide, rationally, without letting either emotion, the anger or the longing, over react?

I don't know. But today I write more freely.