I stand between thou Gemini
Perfect Twins
Polar Opposites
And the knife twists
The moment feels so close
This too shall pass
And I....
Why can't I stay here in the warmth?
Safe, happy?
Instead I feel my feet itching for the storm
Be not still!
For I need the fire of conflict
As much as the shine of your adulation
Stay...
I whisper to my heart
Stay...

As if it will listen

The Tiger and the Fox

Eyes closed, I take a breath, and draw in the warmth
To my right the Fox
To my left the Tiger
And I LONG every second
For their scent, their fur, their claws
I feel the heat against my bare neck
A lick, a nibble, teeth sinking into flesh
And I will myself to be devoured in ecstasy
In the clash between the beasts
Eagerly awaiting the chance to offer myself up
To the greatness of such a love
Tingling in anticipation with every step
Into what can only be disaster
But I care not!
I kick the hornet's nest
Walk into the fire
Bare feet upon the coals
And I dare the mind killer to follow
And revel with me, even in the impending heartache
Because, today, I laugh
For in the fury of my love
The crashing waves of molten lava
I am, at least for an instant
Truly, and blissfully
Alive

I stand on the shards of broken dreams
Where nothing is ever as it seems
BELIEVE... I cannot begin to trust
Your heart your words... though I MUST
Yet I cannot erase what I would do
For the one who is my love that's true
It would make me lesser, make me weak
If I did not try to climb the highest peak
But I find myself wishing late at night
That I never had the choice to fight
If you offered me a day for a day
I'm not certain I wouldn't wish myself away
But what pains me is never really you, friend
Its just the mind killer, in the end

Can you be the one
To teach me to drift along
In the wind freely?

I'm drowning
The walls are caving in
And I...
I am lost
I float in the void
And try to remember to eat
Try not to throw up
Try to BREATHE
The blood tempts
Oh, my old friend
Here you are when all else have forsaken me
And I cannot indulge
Cannot scream the pain away
Who would hear?
The worst of all evils
Wormed its way back into my heart
Carrone fights to flee
Lisa screams to bleed
The 4th mutters her nonsensical ramblings
Serena is at a loss for words
Suddenly the world does not make sense
As it did with you in it
I don't know where to go
Where to look
What other goal could possibly be worth fighting for?
How do I loose before the game began?
Too much pain to make sense of
Do I fight for fighting's sake?
Stillness seemed possible
Now the key is gone
Enlightenment is not enough
Does not that scare me?
Then what? Then what?
Stillness
To drift along directionless
Could this be part of the path?
Could it lead me back...?
AHH! Thou goals again!
That poisoned my life
Setting store on the future above the present
When the future is never here!
Enough
The die is cast
The hourglass overturned
I sink or swim
Tonight

Hope is the worst of all evils

Or perhaps Courage

Perhaps knowing I have the strength to survive any betrayal

Makes it impossible not to take the risk

To see what is under the stone

Curiosity then?

The fact that I NEED to KNOW

That I tried everything

I wish I could give up on you Buttercup

Every time you don't call when you say you will

I don't know how to trust anyone

But least of all you

When you keep giving me all these reasons not to

Im drawn to the danger

I hate it

I love it

But I don't think we'll survive it

As always, I only know how to survive alone

 

I AM

 

As if knowing yourself could ever be complete

But I have too long let him define me

Is it simply that?

Definition that I have not created?

Is it the negative pieces of that definition?

Why can't I breathe?!

 

You are what you want to be

Only and completely

I believe this

I must, because if not I could be him

 

Is it possible to want something you are unaware of?

Sure. 

But this? 

To want infinity

Seems dangerous

 

But then I argue back

Of course one must want infinity

How can you trend toward perfection

Without wanting it

 

Sidhartha said that love for the intellectual was impossible

Because one would always want the infinite

And anything real would pale in comparison

And thus break your heart

 

And I rejected this notion as a read it

I said that the intellectual could separate the desire for infinity

From realistic expectations

I said that true love implied true forgiveness

That your human love could not be perfect

But by loving them, you forgive their faults

Automatically and entirely

So much so that you must be careful

To advocate for yourself

 

I have no more expectation for the infinite than anyone

But by understanding it, I ask for it less

And in conclusion 

I reject the notion

 

But I do expect a lot from myself

The perfectionist

Who knows that perfection is impossible

To ask less of my love

But we can both trend to infinity

With different alephs

 

There.

It is so hard to ask for anything

So easy to believe I have no right

Any notion that my asking is wrong

Threatens my fragile balance

With the mindkiller in my heart

Constantly whispering

 

I must advocate for myself

Maintain my right to ask

So I fight

 

Because I AM

What does one say to the mind killer?

 

He does not deserve my words

My sacred song

Singing out into the universe

The tears of blood

Screaming into my heart

 

Self assured I must be

And yet I must question every move

Cannot afford one misstep

I must be perfect

No, no, no infinity is impossible

Trend

Trend

Am I?

 

Never enough

Never high enough

Always something new to learn

What is it?

 

How do I stop?

 

I say nothing.

I listen.

I learn.

I grow.

 

Universe, teach me how!

I've jumped in again

To sink or swim

 

All the portions of this message

Merging

Warring

Confusing me

 

I AM the drive ahead

How do I sit still and not loose myself?

How do I balance this new contradiction?

Believe

 

I am not perfect

All I can do is try

So I will sit before the mind killer

Look into his eyes

And speak but this:

 

I AM

After all these years

Your poison still affects me

The whispered words

Crawling through my mind

I learned the lesson of belief

But it always holds so thin

I was never a child

I never laughed

I was simply driven

To impress you at first yes

But then I made it be for me

For enlightenment

But always running

Always trying to outrun the words

You breathed into my mind

The greyness the smoke

This fear is fear of you!

 

MIND KILLER I DENOUNCE YOU

 

I denounce you

Father of lies

 

So I turn

To face my mind killer

Because there is no way forward

But back

Every time I resolve

To leave this maze of twisted trees

Your essence encircles me, warm and alluring

A haze that makes my knees weak

My fear collapses

And I sit to hear you sing

Your song somewhat disappoints

But leaves me still be spelled

Just enough to keep me here

But not to close my eyes

To visions from outside

I do not know you dear

A man of yet more mysteries

Do you know

I recognize your very soul

You see, I understand

A maze of contradictions

Is what has always made me whole