I never understood how adversity
Twists some people into selfishness
For all that I am a creature born of darkness
A warrior with blood tipped blade
Each obstacle I have faced
Has caused me to ache to be better
Stronger
To right the wrongs
For everyone
How can those who have lived through this pain
Not see the beauty in the darkness?
I cannot fathom such cowardice
As those who hate
A life...
I think back to all the rainy days
Running and fighting in the streets
Desperate to be seen or heard
All the children dying
Gangs or cops or drugs, it didn't matter
I think of the blood mixing with tears
Rain drops dripping from my heart
Just to make sure I could still feel
After loosing the only people I'd ever had
"You will survive" a friend once spoke
"Because you are the most resilient person I have ever known."
And because he was right, I continued trudging
After disappearances and attacks
After unforgivable wrongs and insurmountable pains
I stand here to yet again lament the loss of a life
And I think of all the times others have found me foolish
For protecting ants from unruly children
For protesting the death of fruit flies in genetics class
For refusing to eat meat
And then I look at my child
The confusion and hurt in her face
As I try to explain that our cat is not coming back
That he will not be getting better
And all the pain and death and suffering that I have seen
That I have LIVED
Is not different
And I think that a life is a life
And love is love
And all life and all love is precious
No matter how small
Why can I never write of happiness? It comes out weak and imperfect when I try. The perfectionist in me hides those frail attempts at depth, ashamed not to live up to my lofty standards. Its true that I like writings of darkness... it was the only thing that soothed the storm within me for so long. To know that I was not alone in my pain, that my pain could be heard by others, and thus break through the clouds with the barest touch of sunlight. My pain is not gone, and may never be, but I am happier than I have ever been. You, my dear tiger being the reason mainly and I want you to know how deeply happy you make me. But my words fail at happiness. Its not perfect, nothing is ever perfect. Its not easy, easy is boring. Nothing worth doing is easy. I could name a hundred wishes for a touch, or a kiss, or a sweet word whispered in my ear. But it matters not! Not compared to the ability to lie in your arms and think "this is perfect, this is all I have ever wanted." I am so verbal, have I failed to express this? Have I failed to say, "I am so happy in this moment that even if it is not always this perfect just having had the opportunity to feel this deeply happy is enough!"? I am so good at capturing the feeling of despair, but this happiness is so foreign and unimaginably wonderful that I can not depict it in words. I dreamed of a warmth for so many years, but that was a candle next to the sun. Even the thunder storms are but warm summer showers in your presence. Oh, but will you hear me? I speak not your language, and I fumble at my own even now, but you must know! Every lie I wrote thinking I once loved, thinking myself happy, I believed, and yet it seems so foolish now. To think that I loved any other than you, to think that happiness was ever found without the ability to snuggle safely in your fur until the dawn. Because of you the slings and arrows barely reach my heart and my soul continues unscathed. I chose a hard life, my love. I'd have it no other way than to tackle the hardest imaginable path, to learn the most, and prove my fortitude! I grieve that means that you will weather the storms with me. But I know that you love me for my strength and courage (though I long to hear you say it if only because it would be music to my ears!) so forgive me this. You cannot love a warrior without steeping yourself in battle! But oh, what a glorious battle it is! I have found it! The purpose for which I was born and bred. To live here, to fight for good, and to love you! And I can truly say, today is a good day to die. Because now, when I die, I will know that I will die happy. And I can truly say, that I will fight for each continuing breath to live! Because I know that every breath that I take, it will be another wonderful moment in which I will love you and you will love me.
I love you with so much of my heart that there is none left to protest.
I were but little happy if I could say how much.
Always,
~J
Nothing is real but the transient
The fragility of which makes reality so precious and yet fleeting
My heart cries out for the safety of permanence
But I must let you go
The mounting pressures must not be ignored
And yet what can slide must be released
For I am only a dying butterfly
Whose beauty lives in my impermanence
In the storm that is my life
My shelters are my sun and rain clouds
And I love their radiant rainbows
But truth comes from Outside
And I live to learn
Goodbye Brother.
Where is the line drawn between exploring your inner self and whining about one's life? Down to earth vs. deep?
Sometimes I am overcome by this overwhelming feeling that everything is just a tiny step from falling apart. I feel like I need to be on guard every second because if I'm not life will come around and give me another kick in the teeth. And I know that living on edge all the time is making me sick but I don't know how to stop. I feel like I have to worry about everything all the time, because when I stop I invariably miss something and it all gets screwed up. I don't trust anyone else to hold things together because if I leave something up to someone else it might not get done, in fact I feel like it usually doesn't but that's probably my PTSD kicking in with the automatic thoughts and all. But I feel like I have to do everything and I don't have the time and energy to do everything so I'm going in circles. I can't breathe. I feel like everyone is watching me just waiting for me to fall and no one cares, some are even trying to make me fall. Then I remind myself ******* cares. I just find it so hard to trust him. We've been yo-yo-ing back and forth for so long. I'm so happy were back together, but I'm afraid it won't last. What if I wait and wait for him to be ready and he never is? Then I'll have no family except the kids that I can't take care of by myself and then ***** will take them away from me and.... Breathe. He's gonna read this and I try not to think about that and let it influence what I write. I try to write whatever comes to my head as honestly as I can, but all I can think is he's going to be offended that I don't have faith, but if I do have faith he'll say I'm just assuming I'll get the outcome I want or something. Or he might feel like by wanting him to read what I'm feeling I'm saying that it is his responsibility to make sure I don't end up without a family and of course that isn't anyone's responsibility and it will just piss me off that he's trying to fix me when all I want is someone to listen. Or more likely he'll just say "I knew you felt that way" or shrug or "it was good" or something non-committal. But I want him to talk to me! I want him to say, "wow I'm sorry you feel that way." or "it'll be ok." or just hug me, maybe even let me cry it out. I want him to not take all this anxiety personally because he knows that all this worrying and being afraid to let my guard down is PTSD and not in my control and I just want him to forgive me for not being perfect. I just wish I could talk to someone, anyone! But I'm afraid that leaning on anyone will make them not want to be around me. I know that normal people lean on each other and don't feel any type of way if someone close to them wants to lean on them, but what do you do when the only people your close to don't have these kind of relationships themselves? I don't know how to teach it, I only try to do the exact opposite of my parents all the time. I know ***** doesn't feel that way, but I go back and forth wondering if she is really my friend or just being nice. Maybe if I could just get her to hang out outside of work I'd believe more in her... Here I am plotting, biding my time, trying to force the universe to give me the break I so desperately need. Nothing good in my life has ever happened without me making it happen, its the only thing I know! But I have to stop. I'm trying, I am trying everything I have found in all my searches, but the big thing they all said was "support network" and mine is all fractured and fragile and I live in constant fear of it cracking. I want a partnership. I want a family where everyone tries to chip in and sees other's problems as something they can help with, where everyone WANTS to help just because they care. I want to feel like I can have a problem without everyone abandoning me for it. I don't expect them to solve my problem, just stay beside me while I do. Honestly ******* and I already have my definition of marriage in most respects, we live together, make love, enjoy each others company, hell we even have children, although I hope one day he feels comfortable actually being called a father. The only other thing I care about is the religious sense, I don't think sex out of wedlock is immoral... but children. Its just not fair to them. If you have ever sat there and desired something normal, and believe me that is something I rarely desire, but if I do sometimes I think everyone must, if you ever have, how could you give a child a start in this world without one of the most fundamental basic human needs: a safe home. You know what I don't even think that all people shouldn't have kids out of wedlock, if you are financially and emotionally stable on your own fine. But I know I'm not and I don't want to be on my own anyway, financially or emotionally its a hard job to do with 2-3 people, I have no desire to do it by myself! I don't want new people coming in and out of my kids lives and I don't want to be alone. So for ME I can't see having kids outside of marriage as acceptable. So I want to handfasten with someone who is honestly in love with me, who I honestly love, so we can together have a loving family and a safe home. Having these things without the religious ceremony makes me feel like a whore who is just being used for sex and is not valued as a person, because to me not going through the ceremony is saying that I am not worth connecting to on that level. And again I am reminded that ******* will be reading this, so perhaps I should mention that I don't intellectually think that he feels that way and this is not an argument that we should jump ahead and handfasten, just the opposite, I don't want him to do it unless he means it. True in love ever be lest thy lover's false to thee. I just want him to realize that I just want him to acknowledge what we already have as something worthwhile. Because I think it is. Anyway I am like way late and I hope that this amounted to something. <3~J
OK I havent streamed in awhile. Warning, there are a few real life details I am going to mention but I KNOW exactly where this is going, so no worries non-existent peeps reading this, I have a serious point. Ok, so theres this girl that I really really Really REALLY *REALLY* like (did I use enough reallys?) But she keeps trying to get me to accept covers as actual music. Um no. Never. Tupac is rolling over in his grave right now seriously. (If he's not still alive underground lol) First she takes an acapella group that has done a cover of my IDOL as if ANYONE could ever be better than him at ANYTHING. Maybe if he did a cover he could out do the original singer, but he'd never do one, cuz he has a SOUL! But I'm *trying* to have an open mind, she likes this acapella group, so I think ok I'm being hard on them cuz it Eminem, I mean how dare they. So I see that They've done Airplanes, good song, so I click on the youtube video. OMG. I had to turn it off in the first 30 secs. They have this little white girl who looks (and sounds) like she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth singing about the desperation of poverty and why one might choose that over fortune and fame because they understand why the caged bird sings and that they actually have something their jailer doesnt... and it just makes me instantly angry. Like what in the world gives her the right to sing those words. To QUOTE my beloved Eminem "In the hit territory, I'm gonna share a story, this is MY story and can't NOBODY tell it for me." So I'm like look I just don't think it compares. I'm fuming but I'm trying not to let on cuz like I told ya'll, I MOI like this chick. (Shes great for lots of other reasons, I promise). Anyway, so a few days later she sends me an email with a link to the "five best covers of all time". I'm really not happy at this point like just let it go, we do not need to agree about every little thing. But ok, I pride myself on rationally considering every piece of evidence. So the first two videos don't work cuz youtube pulled them on copyright infringement, but the others do so I watch them. The first one Im able to watch is some David Bowie song. The other guy who stole it has great technique (if your not an artist, thats an insult BTW). Otherwise theres not much different far as I can tell. Rock really isnt my thing. The second one the original artist isnt known, but its interesting. Its kinna funny cuz for once I black guy stole white music when its generally the other way around. But its like he adds all these extra trills for no reason and I'm not sure he actually gets the idea of wanting to belong to so high society not for money or anything but for the sake of elegance. I can't listen to it all the way though. Last one is the worst. A song by Trent Rezner. Now I know about this guy from *******, who tells me hes the rock equivalent of Tupac, a god. And I'm thinking, rock people put up with this? They get pissed when we bite two lines for a refrain! That song tho, I'm feeling it. Rock may not be my thing but I know its deep sometimes and this guy is strumming my pain. The cover is done by some old country ass hick and Im like this can't end well, but I push play anyway. The first line is "I hurt myself today" and I'm looking at this old guy and Im like never in a million years will I believe that you have the slightest clue what it means to hurt yourself, to sit in the corner of the closet and put the knife against your skin and want to feel the pain and the tears of blood just to know you still can cry. (BTW ya'll 18 months! Be proud of me! I really need to make a new cutting bracelet...) I'm not even a rock person and I wanna kill this hick for his audacity. So I message her back and I'm like look, we just need to agree to disagree and Im seriously hinting that this conversation is going to stop being friendly if she doesn't drop it. So here it is: stealing. Most of the time I'm ok with stealing, Im a communist. I believe in Robin Hood (but not in robbing the hood, thats for republicans/ capitalists lol). I believe that art and information should be free TO DUPLICATE AND DISTRIBUTE. (In other words illegal DLS = yay!) But when it comes to taking credit for someone else's words, stealing their WORK, their VOICE, their SOUL! Its the only kind of stealing that actually matters! What does stealing money or a material thing matter? I mean if you a stealing to feed a starving child then I hope you get away with it Jon Val Jon. But say you take someone's newspaper article, academic paper, or any written body of work and you reprint it, word for word, but change the byline. Does it matter if you change the font, or color? Add some pictures to dress it up? No! You still stole this person's life's work! This is not ok in any other discipline, why in the world would it be ok in music! Its more than that. I have felt silenced by what I have gone through. My songs and poems are the only way I felt I had any voice at all when I needed to scream against the world for the injustices of my life. Eminem is what I blared to make myself feel not alone, hearing my pain echoing in his words. I paid for my right to these words in far too much blood, and you expect me to sit quietly and let someone else think they can speak for me, as if they could even begin to understand?! Quote me, reference me, don't you ever cover me cuz I can't live muffled under someone else's interpretation of my life. In my darkest times this is all I ever had. I would never let someone take it from me. I am loosing hope that anyone will ever understand. ******** at least tries. Well either way we'll see what happens. But I love therefore I am, my words are my soul, if you can't get that I can't help you. Love to all my peeps. <3~J
In a wood, two roads stood divided
A path of safety and one of peril
On each road, stood one who guided
The first of which, a tiger most feral
The other guard was something new
A fox who seemed so sweet and nice
His path seemed the brighter of the two
The answer given me in all advice
I dallied for a time
And tried to go down both
And the fox's sly chime
Came upon me like a growth
So I stood a day
With both feet on that path
To find he pulled his heart away
Leaving me to face the wrath
So now I finally KNOW
What I thought I understood
There's no safe path to go
For NICE is different than GOOD
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