June 7, 2013
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Somewhere along the way I stopped writing. What an unhealthy thing to do. I'm trying to figure out what happened. Re-find my voice....
Did I ever have a voice?
I always screamed about the silence
The deafening silence
As I walk along the glass and coals
Alone
So alone
Does it always have to return to this?
A face in the crowd
A place of screaming away from
Looking for someone bigger
To see some beauty in my howling heart
To see that I face down the mind killer
In the only way I know how
It hurts that you can not see me
I never cared before...
The word "true" wanders around my mind
Searching for something to connect with
My whole life Ive been searching
And hiding
And running
As long as I have legs I run
I say I need someone to see the beauty in me
That I cannot see it for myself
But then why do I ask?
I know to ask, thus I must know it is there
This is terrible
I should delete it all
My words are three days dead
The stale cold smell of morning
The word "love" wanders around my mind
Searching for something to connect with
But I am just a ghost
I am a shadow of myself
A mirror image
That walks and talks
You think I feel so much
But I feel numb
I long for the beat
Even to feel the scream welling up in me!
To feel
Where am I?
You don't understand
But it is the best of me
I love therefore I am
I love
Soft white fur
Deep redwood scent
Why is it so hard to tell you?
This time the stakes are too high
It seems less real
Maybe it is more
Please let it be more
_______________________
I was a blaze of fire
A crashing thunderstorm
And the object of my desire
Quaked at my fearful form
And as I could not bare his pain
And I did not perceive my worth
I quelled my tempest to a gentle rain
And held myself down to earth
But how could I forget my cry?
All my life, my dream to fly!
So I speak to thee
True love or not, I won't lose ME
Take me as I am
Let me inside the wall
Love the storm in me
Or love me not at all
Comments (1)
Wow! (Good wow.)
The "this is terrible" couplet is such a high five moment. I put my hand to the screen; it wasn't terrible at all!
Two really absurd coincidences:
1. I check xanga maybe once a season, yet here I am the day after you post.
2. Literally yesterday I thought about how I was the only person posting on a certain message board, like a ghost haunting. I wonder what it signifies that I envisioned myself in a lighthouse rather than as a shadow?
Overall I am reminded of just how brave and fierce and fragile and indestructible a person you are, and how lucky I was to be around you. Wow! (Good wow.)
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