November 6, 2010
-
I feel silenced. Writing doesn't have the same power of catharsis if I can't be heard by anyone. But anything I write could be used against me if it comes to a court battle. I'm sure a parent with the amount of emotional damage I have doesn't look great in the eyes of the court. The abused often become abusers, but the cycle has been broken before. Awareness is the key. I know the dangers and what I want to be. And I trust my partners to help me when Im overwhelmed. So, do what you gotta do, fake it til you make it. Sometimes I am afraid of screwing up, but honestly Id worry about any parent who wasn't. You don't work to prevent things you're not afraid of. I'm more afraid of the things I can't control. I'm afraid of the sword of Damocles coming down on my head, in fact I have been very worried of late about making things work, having a plan- I always hafta have a plan. Even that isn't what bothers me now... What is it? I almost got trapped in a dream last nite. If you astral deeply, get too far from your body, it can be hard to wake up. Ive done it to myself and it never ceases to scare me, but I have a pretty good method for waking up. I haven't been able to astral deeply since getting pregnant. This wasn't that kind of dream. It was a normal, though rather creepy dream. Also, my method, that has never failed me before, well someone messed with it. Someone litterally moved the ground to try to keep me from waking up. The same someone who must've been trying to pull me out of my body. This must all sound rather crazy to any muggle, another reason to block this from view for the time being. But I always have feared going to far and not being able to get back. The movie Inception gave me nightmares for weeks, and usually nothing scares me. This is amplified, I think, by my feeling of weakness and powerlessness lately. Being pregnant entails so many things I can't do. And being doubled over with Braxton-Hicks contractions half the time doesn't help. I can't defend myself magickally, physically... That scares me. Ive always been so self-reliant. Things out of my control... I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I think some of this is important, but I don't exactly know why. But I have to find a way to write, to feel heard, to sort through and resolve the craziness spinning in my head. I have always had so much going on in my head that without properly sorting through it I can't function that well. Actually Ive been doing pretty good I think fro not writing much. But I should make myself try more often... Anyway til next time.... ya'll know the rest.
~J
Recent Comments