October 1, 2010

• Theres a certain sense of freedom. Knowing he can't read this. I didn't realize how much of what I have been writing lately has been subconsciously for his benefit. Some of it was conscious, but much was unconscious. Perhaps that in itself was holding me in the unhealthy place Ive been in. How do you know? What to let go of, what to hold on to?

  When I broke up with my first serious partner I burned everything. It hurt so much to look at. Now that I can look back and smile about him I wish I didn't. I don't have so much as a picture. I wish I had something to rekindle friendship with or something. Cuz altho we weren't meant to be romantically he was a good guy. Now my ex-husband is not a good guy in a lot of ways. If the baby was his biologically and the courts awarded him so much as visitation rights I would skip the country before letting him near my baby. Im so glad I don't hafta worry about that. But there are things I MISS about him. Things that one day I might look back on and smile. I know how this works. So where do I draw the line to move on in the quickest healthiest way? Destroying all reminders will not destroy my memory and I know I will regret it eventually. But some reminders are unhealthy and Im too close to tell the difference. How does one decide, rationally, without letting either emotion, the anger or the longing, over react?

  I don't know. But today I write more freely.

  • 5:32 pm
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