August 5, 2010

• Trying to keep forcing myself to write:

  I'm so sick of my own unstable emotions. Fine one minute and inch from the edge the next. And yet I still prefer this to what I watch my wife do to herself. I am like a willow, I bend to my emotions give into them, and eventually they blow over. Shes like an oak. Trying to pretend she doesn't still love him. If she'd just admit it maybe she could get over him eventually... maybe she'd at least be able to sleep. Then again I haven't been able to sleep in this empty house. But nightmares are nothing new to me. It far more worrisome to see them in her. And I can't help her. She can't help me either but I have **** to lean on. Shes all alone and just looking at each other marks his absence and hurts us both. Everything I try to do to help her just makes it worse, which in turn makes me worse. Ug how do I end this self destructive spiral? Every time one of us gets on track the other pulls us off. We should be pulling each other onward, but I think we're pulling each other apart. I just want to feel good for longer than a day. Yesterday I wanted to come on here and write how good I felt just getting out of this house... and the promise... it was like drinking sunshine. I want to hold that moment in my heart forever. And then I come back here. There is a way to end this I just cant see it. There is a way to help her and I just cant see it! Calm down frustration will only set me off again. I can do nothing for her if I myself am not well. And more importantly I need to stay well for the baby. Goddess I think that promise may have saved my life, I am incredibly more lucid today than my darker moments recently. Ok, what is hurting me other than seeing her hurt. I accept that I still love him. And I have been through this before, too many times, loosing the ones I love. And I know one day it will stop hurting and I'll actually feel guilty like my love died, but it didn't I just accepted the pain and some day after that I will look back and smile. I think of those I have loved and lost and I do smile now, the ones that died, the ones that hurt me, the ones I hurt hardest of all to look at in my minds eye, but all of them. I value the contribution they made to my life and to my person. I had to go through that place to get to this one and I wouldn't change my life, I wouldn't change my decisions. Even now I wouldnt take back the three years of my life I wasted on my ex-husband cuz if nothing else he brought me to my wife. I prolly wouldnt even be poly if not for him. And thank the frackin Goddess I'm poly. I think Id die right now if I was mono and had my only love betray me while I'm pregnant, and I certainly wouldn'tve survived financially. And I can protect the baby from him cuz its not his biologically. Oh yes, being poly is definitely right for me. So the fact that I still love him... no its not the problem. Its strangely some comfort. The essence of my being, the belief in unconditional love, my ability to love, is in tact. I can love him with out letting him hurt me. No its far simpler than that or perhaps more complex. I think the problem is that I am still sexually attracted to him in a way that I have never been with anyone. He is the only person to ever truly dominate me, and while many people who know me find it impossible to believe, I am strongly a submissive at heart. Sexually at least, I can be quite domineering in other aspects of my life, but sexually... I always really liked the marriage Nynaeve and Lan have in the Wheel of Time series. Nynaeve is in control in public. Lan controls in private. The only erotic story I ever had the guts to write was about this Lady, a Queen maybe, someone in charge of all these realms and things and she walks into her private chambers to be suprisedly dominated by her maid. An unlikely mix no? But exactly what I wish, I like to be in control and am far too feminist to let someone control the public aspects of my life, but the freedom of submission, the feeling of being wanted and able to fulfill that wanting. Only something I could do with the utmost trust, but very rewarding. I do honestly think it may stem from my first experience with being wanted and with sex being rape. And the way I was left for dead afterwards is prolly why I am always so clingy after sex. But regardless of the origins, I have a healthy appreciation for submission. But I fear that it is turning unhealthy in the fact that I can only see my ex as my master. My dreams lately have gotten so disturbing that my wife has forbidden me to answer the door when home alone, lest it might be him (surely just returning my book). She told me if something were to happen shed never forgive ME. Which astonished me cuz in the vast majority of these dreams I am completely unwilling. And even if I wavered, I would consider him taking advantage of this emotional state to be no better: rape through manipulation or coercion or intoxication is still rape. I honestly doubt he would do something like that anyway. The dreams are my minds way of trying to work out the desire to be dominated, specifically by him, and have no other outlet for these desires. And I really wish she hadn't said that cuz now I feel guilty for having dreams that I can't control. I mean normally I can control my dreams, but not my nightmares, and since Ive been pregnant even regular dream control is hit or miss. And I dont want a new relationship right now. I wish my wife or **** were better doms, but I like what I have with them too. So I'm really unsure how to fill this void. I'm not trying to say that thats all my relationship with my ex-husband was. Quite the contrary I miss so many little things about him that I never even thought of and as I said I accept that I still love him. I think its just the sexual void is the only thing Ive never experienced before and the one I most don't know how to deal with. I wonder if just putting this down will help, just acknowledging the void and accepting it, like I did with the heartache. It didn't cure the heartache completely by any means but made it manageable.  Perhaps I can do the same with this unusual void. This writing does seem to have helped a lot. We will hafta see. I will say one thing. I am much happier with this post than my last. I feel like I explored a lot about this sexual void that I didn't previously understand. And I feel like it will lead to a greater understanding of the role of sexuality and dominance in the human condition. Much more productive. Til next time my faithful admirers lol. ~J 

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