July 29, 2009

• My friends,

  *Sigh* my friends I know not what to say to express my current turmoil. I have been reading a memoir by Jenny Boylan, a transgendered woman, about being born male and how she became female. Throughout the book she is in so much pain, all the time, until the end when she finally becomes Jenny and suddenly there is this sense of peace. Despite all the ramifications the change has on her life there is such incredible peace. And I think of myself, as you know I am bi-gendered, being both male and female. I have met only a few others who have felt this way, when I first was willing to accept the condition and talk about it I didnt even know its name. I called it half-transgendered for a while. When I am female as I was born I am happy and reveal in it for a time and then suddenly it feels all wrong and I feel like I should be male. I will switch when I can, present as a male, I have aquired all I dare for passing, but low and behold a few days later I suddenly feel female again. I said, ok, even if my body can never truly allign with my spirit, at least I can present how I feel, but the truth is there are times that for society's ignorant sake I must pretend to be what I am not which slowly kills me inside. When I present as male I agonize over whether I pass and I am too insecure to barely breath a word. I long for this peace that Jenny has, but is it possible?

  Now as always I hold that it is a waste of my time to whine about my life on here, and it is. But there are some bigger questions here, I mean how does one react to the impossible situation? "I dont believe in the no-win situation"~Kirk. Funny one of the qualities that Jenny has is an undying optimism which in some ways I feel I share with her. Bank in high school someone once said to me "you are the most resilliant person I know". He turned out to be an asshole, but the comment helps me believe in myself, something I always struggle to do. Friends who've read this, you know what Ive been through, what Ive survived, what Ive accomplished. And yet as outwardly leoninely proud of all this, deep down the Tony's words hang in my head. "Worthless rat". Even getting over the abuse from Tony, the deaths of my friends, the times I was raped, these things do not wrack me with nightmares anymore. I mean look I never used to be able to type the words! And now its like ok it happened. Im over it. But somewhere deep down I still feel unloved, unwanted, worthless. I dont believe in the no-win situation.

  Simultaneously believing that no one could love me and yet believing that there was always a way when I had the will, I didn't give up. I couldn't. You miss 100% of the shots you dont take. I am married to two wonderful people. I love them both so dearly that I could never express it in words. To say Id give my life for either of theirs is my mere selfishness of not wanting to live without them.

  Ive been told many times that Im a very selfless person. Funny I feel selfish. All the time. I need so much more affection and attention, tyring to convince myself that yes I did defeat that Kobayashi Maru. When the night comes and my insecurities abound I am sent into a state that my partners have trouble rescuing me from. When they lose sleep trying to help me, when I see them hurt by my doubt, oh yes I feel selfish.

  Bringing the emotions associated with my ill fitting body to light didnt help, but I think it is better than leaving it buried. There must be a way, I have learned not to give up and I dont. But a long the way I cry and scream inside. Along the way I stumble and fall and expect those I love to carry me a ways until I can walk again. Sometimes I fear I will never walk again. And then in the midst of it all I wonder am I being selfish? Are they better off without me? Me, with so much pain and baggage and minority issues? If there is any guidance in this world, no wait, I know there to be, I know the force that pulls us where we belong, so I ask not for more guidance, but just to keep pulling me.

  I dont think there is anything to do in the impossible situation but to stare it down and believe that theres a way. And even if you fall go down fighting for a better future. Today is a good day to die.

  I dont know if I accomplished anything here, but you have my love, always, my friends, til next time. ~J

  • 5:06 pm
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