April 26, 2009
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Im sick of feeling trapped. Im so angry, but I cant fight. There is no way to fight this. Im lashing out at the people around me cuz its easier to drive them away then deal with the idea that they might leave on their own. But I cant be alone as I suddenly wish to be, if I was alone I could hide in my shell til I died or healed, but at least I would know where I was going. After all this time of wishing to not be alone... having someone is far more frightening. Hes hurting and I hafta watch it, hes hurting and Im powerless to stop it, hes hurting so bad and I dont have the strength to hold him down cuz I can barely put one foot in front of the other unless I get angry... and if I do I will lash out and hurt him more too. I hold him and dream nightmares of what I might do in his place when Im not there. I cant do anything, all the positive things I might be doing just pale in the blaze of the pain, why try to help what I cant change? There is a constant lump in my throat. I try to run, but I am so tired I only make it a few steps before I am winded. What happened to my strength? It has all bled away... It was a thing! Not a child! It wasnt alive, so it cannot die! It was a shell for a soul that lives on waiting for another shell! Why then do I feel such loss? Worse loss than I did watching the angel die in my arms, worse than when I realized my biological parents would never love me, worse even than when I finally thought I had found a family and the one who helped me build it, who put these dreams of love in my head, disappeared of his own volition never to be seen again. The dream I had it, it was coming together again, all spilntered because of one act of seeming randomness. There is no such thing as stability. I am sick of working towards it only to have my efforts, years of work, dashed in a mere day, in a mere moment, in a mere sentence, "There was no heartbeat... so this is going to be a miscarriage." Logically, intellectually, no one can fathom this dichotomy, losing something that you never had, but I hate them all for expecting me to be ok when Ive lost... Ive lost... Ive lost something so priceless I cannot quanitify it with words. I try and try, as if by just finding the word to say what Ive lost I could do something about it... perhaps if I understood what Ive lost I could at least properly grieve instead of struggling every day for the next step the next breath the next moment. And I think, well after this being your dream and your purpose and the goal that kept you going for years and years and years what youve lost is your hope. But no, Ive had set backs before, dreadful setbacks that threatened my chances of surviving, or turning the nothing I had to start with into something, and I always managed to pick up and start over. And it never hurt this much, I never was this close, I never felt like I lost something other than my way or hope, but there is something more here. It calls to me as if I could save it. In the sickly green graveyard I see a ball of light, and I am suddenly convinced I would have had a son. I feel as if I could reach out and pull it back. I personify this empty shell, making it afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, calling me... what is it calling me? I think its a part of me. I think a part of my soul attached to that unborn body, yes that is what it feels like a part of me died, something alive that died... funny I actually do mourn for myself then? Perhaps in unknowing is the only way. And in this revelation, true to my suspicions I feel... relief. Then am I being selfish, since all that was lost is a part of my own soul? No, I need to learn to care for myself... Amazing! Even in this most evil of occurances I find meaning. So I mourn for a part of my soul. Perhaps that can be saved. And with new direction I feel renewed. This here, my non-existant friends, this is the point of life, enlightenment. I find it through my words exploring in this limited capacity the infinite expanse of my emotions. Maybe now I can be of more help to him, who mourns also for this unquanifiable loss. I wonder if there was a bit of his soul too. Thank the Goddess, that I find this now, when surely I could not have continued in the state I was in. And a whole conglomerate of questions fill my mind about the connection between soul and body. Does the mothers soul hold to the body to protect it until it is ready to host its own soul? I shall need to think more, but I shall, my friends, until then peace!<3~J
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