April 21, 2009

• Warning: real life details ahead. I havent streamed in a while, but I dont think I can stream about this without some details. I would tell people not to worry that most of the stuff Im about to talk about happened long ago and the stuff that happened last week... well I survived the stuff from long ago right? But um... no one seems to be worried so it seems kinna pointless. Oh well, keep on not worrying. I dont like people I cant trust pretending to worry over me anyway. It makes it worse that the concern is clearly not real anyway. Now I'm rambling which is the point of steaming, but I ought to get to the point of my streaming (does streaming have a point?) so without further warnings, for the non-existant people reading this, here are my thoughts right now:

  I dont remember screaming, he tells me I was. Insists that it was in loss not in pain, too. I dunno why it bothers me that I cant remember (and that was before the moprhine) but it does. I do remember the docotor telling me... telling me there was no heartbeat.... starting to cry I couldnt stop.... my teeth chattering.... I remember looking up, like so long ago, thinking that I couldnt survive this... looking up so long ago into the eyes of an angel. I thought I was dead back then, and before I had formed the prejudices against christian mythology that I am trying so hard to break still, thinking I was dead... I thought she was an angel. I asked her if she was and she laughed. She had a beautiful laugh. Funny what I remember then is all hazy like it is now, there was certainly no morphine that night. Prolly a good thing considering it was the begining of all my addictions. I remember the heavy base beat... I can feel it pulsing now an adreneline addiction maybe, I feel it pulsing while Im driving, like a heartbeat tempting me to push that pedal down a little farther. I think I was looking for trouble, thinking back. Why did I leave the room with all the music and people? To go off alone, too wasted to defend myself, asking to be raped, practically. I wonder now if I cut because they cut me. I used to be scared of the memory but now that seems funny, in my dreams I cut them back and watch them bleed, its a dream of anticipation now. I wish I remember how many there were, or their faces, or the ally they dumbed me in to be rescued by my angel. The angel I watched die in my arms little more than a year later. She had to go, her beauty was tarnished her by them hitting her... Maybe I will track them down in my dreams and drink their blood tonight. Im enjoying this newfound violence in me, not having to push my anger into Emniem and Linkin Park, but to have my own Evil Deeds right here in my head to set me free. Like the base beat that shook the floor under me in my memory... I cant seem to get the speaker loud enough.... I need to feel the beat pulsing through me taking over day and night the lonely loner frees her mind at night.... I feel alone again, but like I did before it hurt. When I was proud to be out of my mind and out of control the one woman army me against the world. I believed if the music was just loud enoguh I could bring the world down. Now I dont care if it is or not. I miss my own strength, a normal reaction when I loose something dear, a violent return to myself and self sufficiency, but this is..... Id say too strong but I want more. Im not alone tho and thats confusing... I used to be afraid of being alone too after all the people Ive loved and watched die.... But now I want to be alone. If I had no ties, no one to hurt by lashing out I could follow that beat to the end of the world. I cant leave him tho. And my brother who I thot I lost called, told me he loved me with out me saying a prompting word. I hate when you have to hint at people to say it cuz they dont realize how much you need to hear it, or really I think they just dont feel it so why say it. I forgave him, he forgave me for the razor cuts on my arm. Its all good. I hate breaking promises, I very rarely do, so him forgiving me is really important, and hes letting me try again, one year. I hope I can do it this time. Normally I wouldnt make a promise I had the slighest doubt that I could keep, but this one is meant to save my life... maybe thats why its hard to keep. I always did find it hard to let others down than to let myself down. Which isnt good I guess, it should be equal, but I think its better than putting myself before other people. I cant stand when people do that, how selfish. Sometimes I wonder if Im selfish tho, Drake does so much for me, putting up with alot of things most people wouldnt. Pulling me back from the edge countless times. The only person who is really always there, that I can really trust. Its not perfect, nothing is, but I can forgive him considering all he does that I need. Need, thats a funny thing. Sometimes I think I need alot and that makes me feel selfish, but Im supposed to ask for help, I didnt always. I ask for help when I need it. I know who cares by who helps me and who leaves me in that ally, in the sickly green graveyard, Ive been there alot recently trying to reach the ball of light that would have been my son. But of all the friends the people I could count on one hand that I thought I could lean on, only Drake really pulls through. I wonder if what I learned in books about real friends like Gilgamesh and Enkidu going to the ends of the earth for each other, the way I treat the people I care about even if its not returned, I wonder if that doesnt accuartely reflect the human condition. People act in ways that I would in a heartbeat call selfish, and seem unashamed of such actions. If I acted so callously I would get thrown under a bus and know I deserved it. It irratates me. I think people can see that I want to help others so they come to me for help even when they do not offer that help in return. I wish I knew how to fix what is wrong with them, what is wrong with the world. Hmmm my blood lust seems sated, I now want to fix the world instead of burn it down... prolly cuz Im thinking of the people and not the monsters and institutions that make the world an evil place sometimes. Which mean it is prolly time for these ramblings to come to an end. I think I at least discussed some important things, need and selfishness and all, I never thought my memories would lead me there... I never thought they would lead to that hospital bed, apparently screaming, loosing yet again... When I win the world best tremble cuz I dunno what Ima do with it, but I can feel it in me to shake this world. I have to if anything in those books that raised me was real, it was the purpose of people to better the world. Its a fight in a way... just what Im looking for. Well anyway since this is a day for memories, just like I ended my entries of old, til next time my faithful imaginary admires, peace. ~J

  • 11:05 pm
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