September 19, 2008
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I need to get my head straight but I dont know what that means. I need something... its funny cuz I have everything Ive ever wanted cept one thing Im working towards, but the thing is Im afraid of loosing it. Im waiting for the other shoe to drop. I cant possible deserve this. How long before I loose it? And the thing is I am loosing, sleep, weight, peace of mind... because everyone tells me a different way I could do better but I just dont think I can do it all. My own dreams are such a weight on my shoulders, cuz I cant stop... I cant stop... I just cant let myself stop. I need to do more, be more, change the world, save the world, something to justify my existence I AM NO LONGER WORTHLESS RAT!!!!!!!!! Ive already done what most people marvel at and yet I must do more I must, I must, I must. But I dont know if I can physically keep up with what Im doing.... I wonder if I came so far because I was never good enough for you and it made me work harder. I wonder if I could have gone farther if I didnt waste so much time trying to keep myself from being an emotional wreck because of how you abused me. Probably a bit of both, but now Im back at square one and I have work to do and Im sitting here, aching, wanting to cry and unable to force myself to go on. If I could just sleep, relax, take a break.... this is my break but theres no release.. I need to release the pressure so I can move on. And I never learned how to relax, because there was no place that was safe no place that was home and now youve violated the only home Ive ever had, making your presence known. Ive got to get away cuz I have no time to face those demons anymore. I wanna runaway and never say goodbye, I wanna know the truth instead of wondering why, I wanna know the answers no more lies, I wanna shut the door and open up my mind! And yet even when youre not really there chasing me I feel you and I run. I dont know how to stop and breathe so Ill run myself to death. I thought love would save me but I found my true loves and I discovered that my demons are my own. I have to face you but how?? I deny you father of lies you are NOT my father. I will be free, I will, someday.... but how?
Comments (1)
If there is ever anything I can do for you, just let me know, even if it's just listening. I'll pray for you...I just want you to be safe and happy. You're strong enough, and you have to remember that you've already done so much with your life, so don't feel like you've EVER been worthless, cuz you're not! We were only together for a short time but I do honestly care about you and wish I could help. I'm sure the Goddess is watching over you. Blessed Be! <3
~Stephie
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