June 9, 2008
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oh my Goddess
I dont know where to start but I never dreamed of pain so utterly rooted in my soul found in what was such a safe place... my best friend, my family, MY BEST FRIEND, MY FAMILY, who I LOVE!!!!!
Ni**er, d*ke, Goddess, I can't type the words now, I feel so sick. That someone I LOVE could use those words in such seriousness. And how stunned I was. And how I... I thought it must be a mistake... there must be a reason... he could NEVER REALLY MEAN.... And then off the phone it started to sink in....
What if.... no, no, he WOULD NEVER... but what if... no, no, he LOVES me... but what if... just once... behind my back... if he ever called me THAT!!!!! And I started sobbing uncontrolably the whole way home. I couldn't even let Drake touch me cuz everything, everything hurt. Goddess, I have been called that. Oh so many times. Oh so many... that word... any word like it... its getting kicked out of my grandmothers because I'm dating a girl... its being told I cant do math, sports, w/e because I was born female... its running from the cops while they shoot at my friends KILLING Chester... its that article Alice Quirk wrote senior year of high school calling homosexual relationships "unacceptable" and how I cried then because I had been friends with her once back in 6th grade because I kept thinkin of missin half of Hidalgo cuz I was too busy kissin Tree... its everytime I have to take off my arm bands, my pentacles, cover my tatoos, and I feel like I'm rippin off a part of my soul... its the time I lost my job for doing the day of silence and I sat in my car in the parking lot crying for 3 hours... its getting soda tabs thrown at me in the lunch room and kids crossing to the other side of the hall making the sign of the cross as I passed... its gettin yelled at for callin Monica Direnzo a lesbian when all I really said is that her brain was the size of a lepton... its poor gentle sweet Nickie at the super market with his bf gettin screamed at and called fa**ot just cuz they were holdin hands... its timid little Becca bein too afraid to hold my hand... its Skarr dancin the beautiful way he does and some guy mockin him and pushin him and gettin his budies to come back and try to beat him up when he fights back and Goddess when Kat told me that I wished so hard I coulda been there cuz I woulda pounded the assholes into the ground... its that poor kid from Boys Dont Cry and all the horrible things they did to him, his gf, and his gfs family, cuz he was born female... its Billie Holiday's Strange Fruit... its every witch ever burned, every black person ever lynched, every woman ever raped, every hate crime ever committed.... I have been called that so many times... but never... from someone... I actually LOVED... and if he EVER called me that....
I used to think Id forgive him for anything. Hes betrayed me... oh hes betrayed me, hes sworn to be there and left in my hour of need AND I FORGIVE HIM. He did it again, AND I FORGIVE HIM. Hey, its not like I havent betrayed him too. But if he ever, in his innermost thoughts, even let that word pass in connection to me... those I love... I could never never never never forgive him.
And suddenly all those bi/poly ur greedy jokes are eating me from the inside out... and I wonder when they will come up with some slur against polys. ... ... And I wonder if he'll use it. And suddenly I wonder what the REAL reason for his dislike of my friends, my lovers is... would he... call them... Goddess I think Im going to be sick. Its been like and hour and I cant stop crying. How in the world can this be possible? To love someone so dearly, to think you know them like u know urself, to be willing to defend them to the last breath of ur dyin body, and to be so.... betrayed.
And I cant even express it, cuz the truth is, I dont think I could make these words actually leave my lips. How could I even begin to explain the hate and the hurt and the *utter* sorrow!
My friends, my family, those I love who read my words because u love me, take to heart what u read here tonite, these words must DIE!!
~J
Comments (3)
**HUGS**
I agree. Words of hate should have no place in one's life but although the right thing must be done the wrong thing always seems to appear in the oddest of places. Hang in there J. Although you tend to have strong emotions you have superior reasoning. I'm sure you will figure out what is right for you in due time. Easy does it my friend.
~Helena~
[sorry I didn't get to this until just now, but anyway,] You need to remember that you NEVER desreved any of that and nor did your friends!!!! You have to remember that you have come a long way. I won't pretend to fully understand what happened, but all I know is that I would stick up for you, and kick ass if need be! ALWAYS BE WHO YOU ARE you're a fucking Goddess and that's all that matters! Sleep well my darling, I don't know how much has changed since you posted this, but nevertheless, I'll pray for you. Things will change. BLESSED BE! ~Stephie
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